Venting, read with caution

I really don't feel we are to be doormats. We can only be nice for so long then if we do not do something about it we explode on the ones who don't deserve it. I know this for a fact. I tend to keep everything in, which is not a healthy thing to do, because I feel I can fix it myself, let it go or in my head who really cares. I know those who will say, we'll I have a right to my opinion, NO if its going to hurt someone on purpose just to prove they are right. To me that's pride, not opinion. 

I have chosen numerous times to not say what I feel for fear I hurting someone or making them mad. Which it turn has only made me feel incompetent, worthless at times and makes me so sad to where I make myself sick. It's really not worth it.

I am learning it's ok sometimes to make people mad or disagree, I don't want to be a people pleaser, I'm to stinking tired and older to continue to worry about how I make someone else feel. I've learned this from others to, and I need to stop wearing my own feelings on my sleeve.

So many times I feel sorry for myself , yes it's my doing, I allow it. I will feel so alone because of my surroundings or what I have to do. I hate when people say, there's always someone else worse off, we'll you know what, maybe so but at this point in my life, this is my worse . I don't want to feel belittled like my problem is a lesser issue. 

To be more honest, I know I have more blessings then I deserve before someone comments to that. I'm smart enough to know I'd be no where without God. But you know, I don't think He means for me to be a doormat either. 

Staying at home everyday just to care for everyone is not always a piece of cake. Most days I don't mind. I have no siblings to help, or those who truly get it. If you haven't had to quit your job to care for a parent you don't get it. No I'm not feeling sorry for myself right now just stating the truth. 

I so want to be a part of things but I have chosen not to. It's weird sort of, I used to be up for stuff now I have no motivation except for my voice. 

Rather anyone ever reads my blog  or not , it has been good for my mind. It never shuts up. I believe I could write three or four things a day. Today is just a outlet, a way to actually get it out that, what I have to say is important it matters and I don't have to hide from my beliefs. I'm not right all the time, I don't have a clue as to what to do at times  and I won't tell you that I don't make plenty if mistakes. but I will say to those of you who will read this, don't let fear hold you back. find a way to unlock what is  hindering you, or it will tear you apart and can even cause depression. For me writing it out is therapy.