Damed up

There was a story in Sunday school that described exactly how I have been feeling, actually is was more of a sentence. It used as a example a dam holding all the water back. Well this is me, I have said I feel like I could explode as in scream , cry, yell all my emotions in one. It is like a dam, and if the dam breaks, what happens? For some strange reason I feel like this is what needs to happen to me, let the waters flow till there's nothing left. 

You know this could be how Jesus must feel. All this awfulness in the world is building and one day the dam will break, God will allow everything that is not of Him to be swept away, nothing left. I have let so much slide, I have allowed myself to be hurt, I've made myself feel like I'm not important enough only because I feel others are more important or I feel unworthy, like for all my wrongs God is punishing me. I can't blame others for not caring for me, I can't be sad over friends, I can't allow myself anymore to live for others and not myself. I have pushed all my issues, troubles, hurts and pains to the side because I don't want to burden people or I feel they really don't care. This has been my way of thinking for so long that it needs to stop.

I can't make others like me, talk to me or make time for me unless they actually want to. I can't make decisions under duress anymore or because I'm afraid of making the wrong one for fear of hurting someone else. God says I matter and I have to believe this. My sanity needs to believe this. 

I guess my dam is breaking down, it's seeping through and there will be a lot of loss. You know something else, there's always casualties when you make changes or just choose a different way. I have felt alone by myself for so long, I've even felt far from God because my hurt seems endless. I know at some point it will get better, sooner then later I hope but till then, I can't worry that I cry every day or if it bothers someone, I can't be sad over changes in my life because it will over take me and I can't keep worrying about hurting others feelings all the time, I can't make everyone happy and from my experience they can't make me happy, they can help but that's it. 

Being damed up will cause destruction and decay sometimes breaking is the only way to rid yourself of dirty stagnet clutter. I love water and I would hate for something I love to carry my life away.