A question?

On a show I was watching had asked a question which stayed on my mind, so I'm going to attempt to answer it now. The question is " what would you tell your younger self if you could"?

I think I would start with don't be afraid it will all be ok. I would want her to know that no matter what you have to endure now, you will make it through and the stronger you will be. This situation now does not define who you are, so never doubt yourself into feeling worthless because you are far from that. You will find love and be loved more then you can believe right now. There are good people out there who will truly want to be around you for just you. You are smarter then you think, you are creative in your own way and one day you will understand this. You have a lot of love inside you right now just waiting to come out. Hold on to that and just know there is a reason for your life, for your struggle for all your pain. You will trust someone. You will be safe. You will have a million reasons to be here on this earth. 

At this time in your life you will find all of this hard to believe, you will this hard to even consider a possibility, but down deep trust your own heart, that little feeling that keeps you trying, that makes you smile sometimes. As much as you can block out what's going on around you and know there are better days coming. One day you will meet a man, His name is God, He will lead you to a family that I know you can't imagine now but it will happen. There is a whole big world out there that you dont even know about yet so keep living so you can enjoy it. There is so much good coming your way, you just have to wait a little longer. Keep reading and keep writing your thoughts, its the best way for you to feel better at this time. One day you may write something that others will read and they to may feel comfort. So trust me, love yourself and keep a thought in your head, that in time it WILL all be ok:)

Whoever reads this ask this question of yourself. I was surprised by my answer. Ecc 3:1 as a child I may not have believed this, but I do believe things happen for a reason.

They call me mom

When I woke up this morning I had a sence of joy and sadness, it's like I was happy but sad at the same time. I know it's because of all the changes happening this year and they have been constant on my mind. I'm ready for them but yet I'm not if this makes any since.

See my lovely daughter will be getting married. I'm excited for her and to see what she does in her own life. I feel I've taught her well enough to do what she needs to do. Yet I'm sad for me, this beautiful young women I've taken care  of for 21 years will be in the hands of someone else. I know he is capable, I know he loves her, but momma here, as I cry right now, misses her already and she's not even gone. 

These last few months I've tried to look back on certain things, and I've even questioned if my kids were truly happy with how they were raised. I know no teenager would think they were, but through all the misunderstandings and madness I believe they are happy, mostly. I see the traits in my daughter that I want to shake out of her and others that I'm glad she has. She is organized, efficient, strong willed, opinionated, smart, beautiful, stubborn, lovable and she loves. And yes some of these are from me :) while other parts I will not take credit for. 

She loves God and believes in prayer and I hope she continues through her life with this. While letting go of certain other qualities that hinder her. 

I can't tell you how much I've cried preparing myself for her not being in my house, but the funny part is, I'm ready for it to. God helped me raise her to grow up and have her own life. I'm so proud of her. She knows what she wants and let me tell you she will put her foot down till it happens. 

Her hubby to be has got to be more understanding and very patient as they move forward. He will have his hands full. She may be little but her attitude is 8 foot tall. It's a good thing her fiancé already understands her and loves her anyway. 

I try to think about the saying, your not loosing a daughter your gaining a son, and I'm glad for that, I already love him, but this is my little girl. My heart beats at just the thought of her or my son. Moms will so get this. I look at her in the mornings and I see this precious girl all grown up and I can't believe she is mine. With tears in my eyes I smile at the thought. 

God truly taught me love when He gave me kids. My son will graduate this year to. He has grown so fast. I know he will still be home with me for a while and I love it. He is so funny, a country boy, not at all like his sister as far as being organized or efficient. He's handsome, has a big heart and he wants what he wants, but wants it yesterday. He loves God and will stand up for Him. My son does have a certain sarcastic ness that's not always attractive but he's learning.  He learns things pretty quick when he wants to, he just chooses to not. He's a real guy, but I will say he does love his mom. 

I'm interested to see what else will happen through his life because he has been the opposite of his sister, he's been the hider of facts and she would have to tell me. He's been brave about going out on his own, she didn't want to. If either of them did anything wrong, sissy would be the first to tell me because she couldn't stand it. Now son, he wouldn't tell but he would feel really bad and I'd know.

We moms always know, if not right then we always find out. I love my kids so much. I'm so thankful God trusted me enough to let them be in my life. I'm overwhelmed at how much one person can love another. I'm happy they call me mom:)

Just love through it

Yesterday I hugged my mom on her special day and said I love you mom, she said I love you to honey.

This to me is my special day to. See, my mom hasn't or doesn't always say that, she never has. I do believe she loves me in her own way and I've come to except what ever she can give me in that way I will take.

She smiled a lot and laughed and was so happy to receive gifts. It was her 70 th birthday yesterday and she was just like a kid. I'd watch her as I would my child, so excited especially to receive a stuffed bunny and a CD. My mom loves music always has and I guess that is something I got from her. 

In my life I never wanted to be like her or even love her at times, just because I don't remember her being a mom. If you have a mom who is real who is your mom first and friend second, even through disagreements, tell her you appreciate her and love her, it's a gift to have a mom who loves you uncontional. I can say now I love my mom, probably always did but I didn't think I did. So many times people have said to me, oh it's such a blessing to care for your mom, it's such a blessing to still have your mom or my favorite, your mom took care of you so you should fill over joyed to do the same. Well none of these options have made me particularly happy. They actually make me mad at times because my selfish side wants to yell, she didn't take care of me I've always taken care of her. 

It's hard to care for a parent, not that you don't love them, not that you don't want what's best, it's sometimes the idea of loosing your life to make sure they have one. Kind of like with our kids, we want to do everything possible to see them happy and cared for. I know my mom deserves to be taken care of, she didn't choose this way. I do believe God knew she would need help and gave me to my mom. 

I have learned a lot of patience and forgiveness through her care. Yes I still get mad and don't want to do at times especially if I don't feel well, but I keep going because she needs me.

God gave me a heart of care, and just because I've forgiven I haven't forgotten, but I try not to dwell. I do wonder why He chose me, but I guess I won't know till I meet Him face to face. 

I hope one day my kids understand the times I had to leave to care for my mom, and see I was doing what I felt nessasary for everyone. I know it's not the easiest for anyone. 

If you have to take care of a parent, just love them that's all you can really do. If you haven't taken care of a parent, don't say you understand or think its a easy job, because you don't and it's not.

I'm happy this morning to know I can say I love my mom, I like when she's happy and I love when she says, " I love you to honey". That's worth a lot. 

What are your words?

I am reminded that no amount of words can convince anyone of anything at times without emotion and heart. We have to actually do what we believe as to show how God works in our lives. 

I get so scared and doubtful at times because I try to rely to much on myself. I let myself down and then I will allow my attitude to dictate how I feel through my actions. I have learned through all these years words do hurt and actions speak very loud. I have also learned that some things people say are just a product of what they believe in themselves and want others to do the same. 

We all disagree but we all can't be right all the time, we need to let others feel the win to and not belittle them even if they are wrong. Words can be so wonderful, so pleasant and so helpful to our hearts at times, but it's in the way we use our words. These awesome meaningful words can also be ugly, and tear up and even kill a heart. 

I really want my words to match my actions, I want to use them to lift not tear down. I know I have moments when I just want to be mean but I can't take it back. You can say sorry 15 times but the hurt is still there in our memory. I saw a quote today that said, I can forgive pretty easy but I don't trust you anymore. That's pretty sad but true. When we use our words to lie, it creates a wall that just gets taller and thicker with time and no amount of " sorry" can completely tear it down. I stop trusting to, I may continue to be here for you but it's a whole different way of thinking for me.

I let my heart guide my way to many times when my head is screaming at me to stop and think . I give the benefit of the doubt when I probably should stop, wait and see first. I have said, I think most people are generally good, my hubby disagrees, but just being good is not enough. We need to protect our heart and our minds from negative words, even if just so we can hear what God has to say. Sometimes there is so much ugly that we can't hear or see the beauty. 

You could be the happiest of a person, but time with negative words, or the way you use your words, slowing take the happy away and make people feel not worthy or respected. It makes you feel sad and like your being disciplined for doing something wrong. Don't push someone to where they finally stop caring just because you don't care enough for yourself or them to keep your pie hole shut. Don't use your words just because you can, use them wisely and you will not only lift someone else up you will do the same for yourself.

That old rhyme sticks and stones may break my bones but words we never hurt me... false, they do hurt, break and destroy . So clean out your heart so what comes out, matches what your doing and what your claiming to believe .  Remember what's in your heart you speak. So what are you speaking?

Moms

Moms. There should be a dictionary just to cover all the words that go with being a mom. Moms are great, there are not enough words or emotions that could cover all the things we do for our kids. Not any amount of money, sickness or whatever can keep a good mom from her kids. We moms will drive to the ends of the earth to help, yell or save them. Moms will love our kids even when they don't seem lovable, we will smother them with love till they just nearly suffocate. We are the loudest cheer leaders, we will push our chest out even if our kids don't play well because we are so proud of them, we want everyone to know it.  Good moms will become mama bears for our kids. You can say what you want about me but not my kids.

I found a picture today of my son and it just brought back floods of memories with my kids. I never thought I could ever love a human being so much till them. I believe God made moms of a special kind. He gave us moms a heart for our babies to see the real them and love them through whatever they throw at us. We are fixers,  multitaskers, cuddlers, teachers, anything and everything we are for our kids. 

There is so much written about moms, and it's true, we can do almost anything, with little sleep, not much food and on half of a nerve. 

Besides the picture I found I also read a story about a women and a child . I will say not every woman that has a child is a mom. That's a word saved for the real women who would sacrifice there lives for their child. It's very sad to me how some inhumanly people can treat their own. I don't care what my child does I could never do some of the despicable things they do. 

I'm a crier, I can look at my kids and cry, just for the fact they are mine and are just plain beautiful. Oh yes I feel I could duck tape them to the wall at times and throw water balloons at them, kidding so no one thinks omgosh I'm being abusive. For real, a lady actually said that to me one day at Walmart, because my hubby said, ok when we get home we will duck tape you to the wall, then we laughed. She took it seriously. Sometimes I know as moms our kids do push the limits, but God taught us how to be parents, how to love unconditionally and be forgiving. 

I wish so many good things for my kids, so much happiness and fun in their lives, I wish for good health and lots of love, I pray these things over them all the time. Today I just want moms to know, we are special, there's no one like us, and no one can compare to us in our child's eyes, so take that and run with it. We moms are the ones to show our babies what true love is, in all ways. 

I hope my kids will hold on to the memories and the fact, the knowing beyond anything that they were loved and cherished for who they are to me. I can't hug them enough, it's like I want them to feel how much I love them. 

Moms can only do the best we can, we are important and we need to realize it. I need to realize it.

Simple bucket list

What is the deal about a bucket list? I make lists all the time and end up making new lists because I can't find the list I made before the first list. Yeah I just said all that and yes it made since to me. 

I get the idea of a bucket list but I think I'm going to create one that I know I can do before I leave this world. Stuff I already enjoy but never take the time to do very often. I'm starting with the top ten.

1- Go mini golf.. I love this, how come we don't do it often enough?

2- Go to Petit Jean.. A great get away

3- See a movie at the movie theatre.. I'm cheap I order off dish

4- Go to the lake as much as possible.. Enough said with this 

5- Get my son graduated... Can't wait to check this off

6- Get my daughter married.......... 

7- Go to Florida.. Never been

8- Go fishing.. More fishing

9- Go to Branson... Love it there 

10- Have more talks with my kids before bed.. Love this time to

OK gotta get started on my first ten so I can start checking off my real list. Yes of course I'd like to have a elaborate bucket list, like I'd like to go back to N. Carolina, or see the river walk, Hawaii, take a cruise, and all these things can happen. I just want something now to look forward to that I know I can do. Sometimes simplicity is better. I don't want to jump out of a airplane or climb some tall mountain, I would like to see a lot of places. God has given us a beautiful world to enjoy and I hope to if the opportunity presents itself but for now I smile at just the idea of completing my simple little list. 

Big things happen when you believe I know this, I don't need big I need meaningful to me. Now I wouldn't mind to try a different zip line, I did do this because I was a big chicken, so I might add this to the next ten, or maybe this can be number 11. 

Try a simple list and don't loose it. What ever makes you feel happy, don't put it off just do it, more then once. We need to take more time to enjoy life instead of complaining about it. So make your simple bucket list and get started, mini golf awaits :)

A smile with a memory

I have a beautiful picture of a bellanca plane hanging in my living room. This picture brings back so many memories of some friends I miss. This plane was our first airplane ride and it was great. Such a pretty plane that had been redone with crushed green velvet seats, painted green, yellow and white, but the thing about this plane was its owner.

Trying to describe him in just a paragraph will be hard. He was one of the most, arrogant, know it all, obnoxious man I had ever met. I did not like people like this and I did not like him. Met him and his wife at church when my son was around four or five months old. This man had to be the center of attention and could make you feel very uncomfortable . He loved to sing and sing loudly, I have rolled my eyes so much at him it's a wonder my eyes are even back in the right place. If you needed a joke this was the man to go to, but you had to be careful, he could tell ones that were not so nice. 

I bet your thinking why are your writing about someone like that, we'll let me tell ya. One day at a fellowship we were having outside, he came sat next to me and made me laugh so hard that something in me just clicked with him. Yep he became one of my best friends. I found underneath that smart mouth of his was a good hearted man, he loved all animals and he would try and help anyone. It's like he had to be on all the time but when you caught him on a serious note he was ok. Oh my did we argue, all the time, we disagreed because as I said earlier his mouth got him into trouble . He was a mayor in his years, worked with the police and then owner of a heat and air business. 

He and his wife had a great since of humor, so much fun to be with. They showed my family things we would have not experienced early on. From flying to going to restaurants to making sure we saw the ocean. These two were like grandparents to my kids. Went to most all ball games, birthdays just what ever for my kids. My son and him were close, and of course at games he would embarrass my daughter, but they were there.  I love these two people. It wasn't easy in the beginning but it worked out in the end.

I really miss my friend, he was greatest supporter and my biggest annoyance. He would encourage me and understand things no one else could. So many people say men and women can't be friends, and in most casses this is true, but he was my friend, very unconventional because of people looking for the bad.  I still can't believe I ever liked this man that was over 20 years older than me and made me so irritated a lot, but for some reason we were. I'm glad for the seasons we had. 

People touch our lives sometimes but a second, and that second is what makes us feel something. 

My friend died a few years ago and it's funny how some of the things just popped in my head looking at this picture. His wife moved away but I'm so happy we still talk often. We get caught up in all our drama and she still will say something to me that he would have said. This is my smile for the day, a memory of some some who cared enough.

Finders keepers

I have heard this saying forever and even have said it myself, but for some reason I have found a new meaning in it for me. Trying to fix how I felt about a situation I kept coming back to "find the good and move on".This is so hard at times because you expect everyone to be on your side or how can they not understand, well that's where finders keepers came in to play. 

There's been a few things bothering me these last few months and one day I decided or God put the notion in my head, they haven't walked in your shoes just as you haven't walked in there's. I had to see from a different view. I found I understood this so I keep reminding myself of this. Unless someone has actually done or been exactly where you are they won't get it,how can they. They can only hear what your going through and have compassion for your situation and hopefully they will pray, to have a idea and be able to see a little more clearly on the path your walking.

I have also found in some of my friends I may not like a few things but I keep in my mind the things I do, this allows me to be able to pray for them and even tolerate things they may say or do. I am so far from figuring it all out so far from being a great person so far from understanding a lot but I find if I keep trying eventually my eyes are opened and my heart lets things go or let's things in that really matter. 

I want to do my best to find and see the good in people and situations, be more positive and then I can keep hold of my heart, mind and soul as it continues learning to move forward and move away from what matters and what doesn't . 

Finding the good is not always easy and keeping it up is hard but practice makes perfect. The more we do something the more it becomes a part of us and that's what shows. We don't realize how much words really do hurt, they can be misunderstood, taken badly and they are carried with us forever. This is one of the reasons I need to choose to find the good, hold on to it and keep a trash can next to me to throw away the bad. It kind of is true " finders keepers losers weepers".