Wishy washy

I think I should call this Lisa's diary therapy blog just because I keep writing how I feel or what happened on the day. Today's therapy will be called wishy washy. My last blog was about letting things go and realizing how strong I am and to talk myself into thinking that I'm worth it. Well I lost that battle, I went from 0 to 60 in less then a day. 

I had been praying for a friend and myself with a situation and I was more or less begging God for a sign. Send me a dream, scripture or something and then I got this thought. These drive me crazy. Well it was a question. Who is Lisa? I couldn't answer it. I wanted to say a proud child of God, a prayer warrior and stand up kinda gal. But nope, nada, I thought all negative stuff. Now to be truthful, I am stronger then I've given myself credit for but sometimes being nice is not so nice. I do allow others to use or walk all over me because I don't want to make waves or hurt feelings. I hold things in way to long to where I make myself sick. I care for others more then myself and sometimes I want to be selfish and not care at all. I have heard or have been taught through the years that everyone has some kind of talent. Something to give or share with others and at first I thought it was what I wrote. It's not that, I'm not good at always saying things right or being correct in my grammar and those things I dont care about. I thought maybe my talent was caring for people because of my mom and my family, right now I don't know this to be true. Maybe it's just being here to listen, I can do that and I'm not always judgmental but even that I'm not sure about. Who is Lisa? Well the obvious thing, I am a caregiver, a mom, a wife and a friend. I know I'm far from being good all the time, I know I'm needy at times but I will say I have a big heart. I truly care. Down side to that, my feelings are all over my sleeve and they get hurt often. 

I don't want to be used but I want to be needed, I would really like for others to know I need them as they need me. I'm scared quite often, confused and I don't know where to turn latley, but I am trying to pay more attention to what I do have and not what I don't . I'm a little lazy because I haven't cared enough for myself and I want to break that. It's funny that what we are around we become. So I guess Lisa is, well a little lost right now, she's trying to find her way and find herself. 

When you are used to being ran over you just keep running with the traffic, like that dog chasing a car, they never learn till they catch it, make contact then the consequences are brutal. I'm striving to let out what's hiding on the inside to come out and face the world, no more pretending like everything's ok. Anyone who knows me knows I hate pretenders . I think if I ever won the lottery ( gotta buy a ticket for that) anyway if I did, I would pay someone to make my decisions and carry my purse. I'm tired of doing both those things. It's a wonder I can even think my poor mind is so full. If I was to give the devil credit, it would be that he has done a job on my mind, but I'm not giving him credit because I don't want to make it easy for him to make me week. 

Therapy good, thinking bad, so now hopefully sleep will be my little bit of peace. Advice, get to know yourself and be happy with you. It shouldn't be in the control of another person. Nite all, push through the ceiling with your prayers.