Learning to be me

I am trying to learn that being by myself is a good thing. I find that I search for things to do just to keep my mind occupied. It's in the idle times or even quiet times when I let my mind wonder from here to there. I try to fix my problems or others, I worry I stress and then I get mad at myself for doing that. I've been so used to doing, saying or thinking what I believe others need from me that I've forgotten how to do it for myself. Finding who I am or whom I'd like to be is a little difficult. I have a lot of quiet time and it's not always beneficial to anyone. The devil knows when and how to plant things in our view, he sits in waiting to conquer our minds. One thing though, I'm learning to stop him in his tracks because I'm learning to be thankful in my idle time. Problems are going to always be here and I certainly can't fix them but I can do my best to lean more towards God. I really need this to because I have found out that I'm not the best at being the Godly person I need to be. I do feel sorry for others and I don't want them hurt but I have also realized I don't like people like I used to. I've given others the benefit of the doubt for years and usually few surprise me. So I'm working on thinking better of others and trying to understand that I can't fix them, I can't make them think like me and I can't do magic to make them better, I can only be me and hope that some little something in me comes out so God and others knows I'm trying to be a better child of God. It matters to me how people are and I overthink how I should be so they will want to talk to me, or ask me to help or just know I'm a good person, and I am. I will say I have good traits, I love so much and my heart overflows daily with it. God did give me a caring heart and I hope it shows. So in my quiet time I'm working on myself. I want to here God say to me one day " well done my child " you fought the fight and you endured till the end. This is what needs to stay in my mind, this is what I will fight the devil with. I can only be me. I'm so far from perfect and so far from being all God wants me to be. I'm learning. I allow so much junk to hinder me, I allow what others do to bring me down and make me sad, I allow it. It's so easy to look at the bad, to hold on to what's wrong and who did what to us, that we forget there is so much good. I'm thanking God everyday for one special thing for sure, my heart and my tears. God gives us all something in us that we can share, what is yours? What do you do in your quiet time? As God says whatsoever is good think on these things:)

New news to my heart

For awhile now I have had a certain scripture on my mind. One I have read and heard of numerous times. I've always had a understanding of what I thought it meant, and I still do just a reaffirmed view I think. The scripture is praying without ceasing, 1 Thes 5:17. For me this means just a constant prayer in your heart throughout the day. Rather it be just a thank you or a person that comes to mind and you pray. It's automatic, you just start talking to God without thinking. I do this all the time, yes sometimes I am talking to myself but I include God with my thanksgiving. 

Which brings me to my other point with this scripture. I have been praying the same prayer, just nearly word for word about my mom to God. I'm sure after a few months He knows what I'd like or how I want my prayer answered, He's God, doesn't really need reminding. Well anyway, one day while praying, Lord please let my mom have a peace, let her know all is good and she is ok, and not be sad. Well as I'm saying this prayer it's like God says, I know what your mother needs, my will, will take care of her, but these words are for you. WOW!! Amazing and true. I needed just what I have been praying for my mom. Now I just say thank you for my mom and God whatever your will, I will be ok. See He had answered my prayer I just wasn't listening. The Lord uses not only people, dreams, His word but He also uses our words, if we will just take a moment and be silent. 

I had read about how kids remind their parents of what they need over and over when the parent knows what their needs are. I do remind God of His word, not sure that I need to but I do. I believe if we hand over to Him what our need is and allow Him to work and just say thank you, we will be ok. It's very hard for me because I want to help God, I want in my time but this is not how God works. So I feel a constant prayer, or just a simple thank you God is our way of making our hearts stronger for Him, it gives us more faith and also helps us to listen. 

I drive and thank God for so many things, I look out my window and just thank Him for my eyes, I look at pictures and I'm so thankful for the people in them. Sometimes what we think others need is exactly what we need. I still want peace for my mom, but I know God knows this now. I'm learning it for myself some to. When we pray without thinking to pray, this is a conversation with our Lord, this is my praying without ceasing. I'm not saying stop praying for what you need/ want, I'm just saying make sure you thank God and take time to listen. This has brought new news to my heart. God knew I needed this opened in a new way to me, each of us learn or understand things differently that's what makes us, we'll us.  

Don't let the world distract you

I have learned that speaking your opinion on social media is usually not good because it will be taken wrong. We all have a strong belief in something and we take up or stand behind it even when it doesn't seem to make since. So many things just this morning that just got my mind going that I probably can't even put it all out correctly but I'm going to try. First off this is my blog, so it's my words and no one has to agree with it, shoot you don't have to read it. I call it my therapy and it really helps me without fear of someone accusing me of being wrong or saying I'm judging. 

From all my years of reading the Bible, listening to preachers and doing my very best to listen to God, I have learned that sometimes we have to do things that are hard or that people don't agree with. There are so many issues right now that I know at some point Nothing of any value will matter, all morals will just go away because people believe everything is ok. 

If we love God we are suppose to stand firm in His word and as this world gets worse it's just going to get harder. We talked in Sunday school how before long what we do and say about God will get us put in jail. Why is it people thinks this is ok? Like the lady who stood for not signing papers for gay couples to get married. One thing at least she stood her ground for her values. Yes since she worked there that was her job and I suppose that broke the law. She went to jail, but I do think it was great people stood for her, they stand for taking the flag away, they stand for their pride in whatever it may be, we as those who love God should do the same. I saw where one said, don't break the law, well we all break the speed limit, we have under age drinking so many ways people break the law, and choose to. 

I know when I worked at selling crystals, I didn't say anything about God unless someone asked if I believed in them, then it was opened up for me to say no, only the man that created the rock can heal. It was my job to sell them but I didn't have to agree with why they bought them. It makes me sick that no matter what comes out of our mouths we have to fear offending someone. Well I'm sure I will offend, but if you believe the Bible you have to believe it all, not just take parts out to make you feel better. I don't agree with gay marriage, I do believe the Bible, between a man and a women. Yes, I know people who are gay, I love them but I don't agree with them, just as they don't agree with me. I think respect has been lost, no one cares who gets hurt and all because the excuse is, the world is changing. Well guess what, God hasn't. One day whether you believe or not, God will come back and you will see first hand the truth. God loves us all and wants the best for us, He wants us happy but not if it means the world is more important then Him. 

I had said to a friend the other day, that I guess I'm prejudice because it makes me mad and sad that everything is always about race. If I don't want to be around you sometimes it's just because I don't want to be around you, not because of your color. Just because I like the rebel flag doesn't mean I should belong to the kkk, I live in the country and I've never thought anything but hunting, fishing, mudslinging, and just proud to be southern. Things that actually mean something to people is being belittled, made fun of or made to be disgraced. Just as they did to Christ. 

Even on certain tv shows they bleep out Jesus' like its a bad word. One day everyone will be calling on this name and it just might be to late. I only hope I can be strong enough to stand through everything that is coming because it's going to get worse. You can say you know God, or I love Jesus, but you have to do something about it. The things we like we share, the things we love we hold them tight, we participate in the lives of those we love. We can't play church, remember God knows your heart and if your right with Him you will know it. Life and this world is a big distraction, don't let it be so attractive that you let go of what's most important. I do have some fear of this world but God is on my side to help me endure till the end. 

A different journey now

I haven't written in a while now because of to much going on. My mind is so full that I told someone today that my stress has stress and I gave the first stress a pill that might calm the second stress, makes since to me :). Today as I sat next to my mom doing a word search I would glance at her from time to time and would think, this women is my mom whom I think as my child in a since. 

My life is a journey as everyone else's. We start off being taken care of then and end up being taken care of again. I became a caregiver way to early in life, but sometimes things are chosen for us even under duress. I became a wife and continued to learn to be a different kind of caregiver, then a mom which is the ultimate way to give of yourself in so many ways, not to mention what you choose to give up for your children, moms are just awesome that way. Then again I start to be a caregiver in another different way to my mom again. I guess this must be something I'm suppose to do. Things choose us we don't choose them sometimes. Not sure but God must think I'm capable even when I don't think so. He chooses the unqualified to do jobs you'd never think you could do. 

I think this is one of the hardest jobs ever. Your heart will either be torn apart or overfilled with emotions and at times overwhelmed. I think it takes a big good heart to really do a good job at seeing to someone else's needs instead of your own. Moms do this everyday. I was asked today to read a article about who I am. I wrote slightly about this awhile back and my answer was unsure. Well who I am is a mom who loves her kids more then any words can describe, a mom who will go out of her way to help them, to hug them, to scold them or just smile and give them my love. I am a wife who is far from perfect, who could be better at being a wife to someone who works hard for me everyday. I am a daughter to a mom that doesn't understand that true meaning but I love her anyway. I'm a daughter in law to a family I love and we may bicker but I'm pretty good at being a part of them. I am a friend, not to many but those who know me knows I'm here if they need me. I'm a child of God, which is something no one can take away from me,they can throw stones but Gods word tells me I'm His and that is all that matters. I'm under the law of unconditional love as long as I'm His, and that's how I feel towards the ones I care for. I love them without conditions. I know before especially from my mom, I wanted her to love me, but my journey was to learn how to love someone that didn't show love to me, and I conquered that one. I learned through my kids that you have to say your sorry and it will help you grow as a person. 

I feel I'm on another journey now. I different kind of road that I'm not really sure where it goes. My mom is being cared for more by someone else and now that journey at some point will have a end. My daughter is getting married in a few days and this starts a new journey for her and me. My son is older and doing more on his own which leaves me with my hubby and I to figure out, ok what's next? I still have the caregiver nature, I'm sure that will always be there. It just may show in a different form. I'm a little afraid of this new journey but as the seasons change so do we and our situations. 

The year gives us four seasons and I believe God has us go through a season of change, difficulty or the idea of not being sure who or what we are, but He also gives us a choose on how to go through these seasons or journeys, With Him or without. I've tried them both and Im here to say, even through much hardship my journey with God surpasses anything else that doesn't include God. I may not be ready for what's next but at least I know who has my back, and He is unmovable.