don’t hide your feelings

I was really hoping all my posts would be helpful or uplifting in some way. Well I guess that was just my hopeful side. I’m angry, I’m mad and very irritated. I have been for a while. I’ve let everything for the past year build up on the inside. See if I don’t teach anyone anything this is the lesson. DONT HOLD THINGS IN. Let things out, yell, say what you feel even if  someone’s feelings get hurt or they get mad. I let things go so much that I’m sick and I’m in a bad mood everyday. It really affects your whole body when you allow everything to slide. I probably have a ulcer the way my belly feels. I don’t tell anyone my exact feelings because I’m so used to hiding them or worry about hurting everyone. Well guess what I’m the one that’s hurting. Every person in my family I would love to say exactly what I’m thinking. From them being selfish, uncaring, prideful, irresponsible, and just plain dumb. Thing is I’m dumb to for letting everything slide, I’m their doormat. My son doesn’t respect me as much as he should and I guess it’s because I’ve let him get away with things. I’ve felt bad for years because I have felt he got the short end of so much but now he’s older and that’s just not true. He brings stuff on himself. He doesn’t always think, which comes across as immature. My daughter has a selfishness about her, as far as her way or no way. And none of my family know the word sorry. My in laws are the same. It’s crazy how we just keep going and never make amends. My hubby doesn’t know what to say and that irritates me so bad. I’ve went from the fixer of the family to the mad I don’t care one. That’s never been me, but there again if I’d ever spoke my piece more often, things might be different. Then again I might be divorced to. I love my family, I’ll do anything just about for them. I guess I have, that’s the problem. I know I’ve not been the best mom, but I thought I was a good mom. I thought I taught them the right way to go, and to live how God would have you. Funny how bad traits are what you grab a hold of first.
I’ve taken up writing again to get this out of me. I don’t want to be this person I am right now. If I could scream and beat up a punching bag that would help some. Telling someone off would help more though. I’m not a cussing person but I could really find some words that would help. Writing is like my dear diary, as usual I share to much. On a good note no one will probably read this anyway. If  someone does, there’s so much more to come.
Take note, when your a mom, be everything to your child but a doormat. Moms are allowed to get mad and yell, we are people to. Our feelings get hurt and yes sometimes we think your stupid. Anyway, don’t let your feelings stay hidden, let them out, or they will come out some other way. And this won’t be good..

:)

Sitting up later then everyone sometimes gives my brain time for thinking

I've quieted and now can be still to hear and learn something

As I went to my kitchen, I smiled because it was my kitchen

I know where things go and I love looking out my window in there

I look around this small house of ours and I smile 

It's mine, there are memories in every room, some good some not so good

Like the time my daughter and I didn't leave our bathroom for like twelve hours

Sickness and health has been in this house

Laughter and tears

But I love my house

My hubby my father in law and myself built it

Love sweat and tears, my hubby worked day and night for us

I know it has many things that need fixin

But guess what I still smile because it's mine

Mis matched walls , different colored floors and holes in places

Still it's comfortable, broke in furniture but great for napping

I think back to raising my kids in this house

Marks on sons wall for growth, a sign on his door that says danger

And it really is still that way 

Slamming doors to their head in my lap to rub their heads when they felt bad

A few new door glasses because weed eaters are mean

Scratches from loved pets on beds to dirty boot marks

My house might need a coat of paint but it's still my smurf house

It keeps me warm and cool and comfortable

Through heartache and hugs my house has always been welcoming to me

It's funny how a house can hold so many memories

But it does

From my son and I dancing in the kitchen to late night talks with my daughter

To arguments with hubby then talking past his bedtime

From our sweet missy dog passing away in our living room

To back porch hammock looking at the stars and fire building when it's cold

I love my house and all it has given me even with age

It's mine and I smile:)

And I smile

ready for new

So it’s the end of the year and it seems this has been our worst year to date, well maybe one of them anyway. I think we have been through so many things that we should be super strong. God is trying to show us something but apparently we are not smart enough to figure it out. So many worries, and concerned over Anthony’s job. When your employer tells you that you have 60 days after 33 years of service, it’s a very scary thing. My son going through some stages of life that takes a ton of prayer to not slap the 🤬 out of him. My mom issues that were finally calmed but then issues with in laws took on a whole new life. Patience used to be one of my virtues, not anymore. I guess God thought it funny when I used to say I have patience more then not.
I’m ready to start the new year. We were sick through Christmas, so no holiday food or presents with my daughter and her hubby yet. My hubby, my son and I opened presents then went to sleep. Sitting up was hard with the flu. I’ll say though, we three had so many laughs being sick. Probably delirious from fever or meds. Now for us to be completely healed. My hubby was the worst and still not well, plus shoulder surgery to boot. See lots going on and ready for a new set of pics to look at, a new vision for next year.
Also the death of my good friends husband, really made me look at things differently. So many good and bad things, so many things to let go and so many to just move on from. Though I can smile because of their life and where my friends hubby is now, I still feel shocked at him not being here. Or seeing his and her pic on FB. He was my hubbys age which makes it a little unsettling it I know where he’s living now.
I do believe things happen for a reason. We may never know the reason till we meet God. But He knows why, when or how. All we need to know is Him and be ready for whatever comes our way. Through all our strife, that sometimes seems unbearable, there is a God who has a answer. I’m still ready to start a new but just in case I pass before I get to the new year, I’ll see everyone in my new home.
Just a thought, don’t blame God for your circumstances, thank Him for giving you the ability to endure them, for those who endure, see heaven.