My house

Sitting up later then everyone sometimes gives my brain time for thinking

I've quieted and now can be still to hear and learn something

As I went to my kitchen to check the door and put dishes up I smiled because it was my kitchen

I know where things go and I love looking out my window in there

I look around this small house of ours and I smile 

It's mine, there are memories in every room, some good some not so good

Like the time my daughter and I didn't leave our bathroom for like twelve hours

Sickness and health touched us then

Laughter and tears

But I love my house

My hubby my father in law and myself built it

The two of us hanging sheet rock, and I smile

Love sweat and tears, my hubby worked day and night for us

A lot of time spent inside and out of our house

I know it has many things that need fixin

But guess what I still smile because it's mine

Mis matched walls , different colored floors and holes in places

Still it's comfortable, broke in furniture but great for napping

I think back to raising my kids in this house

Marks on sons wall for growth, a sign on his door that says danger

And it really is still that way 

Slamming doors, to their head in my lap to rub when they felt bad

A few new door glasses because weed eaters are mean

Scratches from loved pets on beds to dirty boot marks

My house might need a coat of paint but it's still my smurf house

It keeps me warm and cool and comfortable

Through heartache and hugs my house has always been welcoming to me

It's funny how a house can hold so many memories

But it does

From my son and I dancing in the kitchen to late night talks with my daughter

To arguments with hubby then talking past his bedtime

From our sweet missy dog passing away in our living room

And late night prayers because of sickness or bad dreams

To back porch hammock looking at the stars and fire building when it's cold

I love my house and all it has given me even with its age

It's mine and I smile:)

I think that's how I am with my self and its house

I've had to learn that it's ok to, it holds heartache , sickness, pain and love

But it's still standing, maybe a little creeky but filled with memories

Still holding its own and smiling:)

Show love now

            

Don't wait to  talk to me more after I'm gone 

Bring me flowers now 

Hug me everytime you can

Because I won't be here forever 

God has plans for me

My first plan was to take care of you 

Hug you listen to you and make your life as good as I could

Now to make my years great

Let me hear your voice 

Let me know you need me sometimes

Show me you love me

I'm waiting all the time to just hear from you

I can't be in your life every day I can't make all things good for you 

but I can hug you and let you know it will be ok

So sometimes I would love this from you

I carry you in my heart as you do mine

I smile with every beat at the thought of you

Please smile when you think of me, then I'll know I did good 

When I'm not here

I will watch over you with smiles

I will say that's my child

And when I hear I miss you and I love you

I will hold those words in a hug so tight that the love will squeeze out and fall on you

We are not promised tomorrow like all the poems say

But we are promised love

Love me as I have loved you and we will create memories we can hold to

Dear diary moment of venting

Oh my goodness, so much going on in my head. You read any media and people going back and fourth on this Paris tragedy, Isis and the refugees. Everyone has a opinion. I have my own and I just think it's crazy and scary. I've read so much and I've wanted to comment but chose not to for fear of not coming across well. I do think some of the people who claim to know God are fooling themselves. They will say things such as, God wouldn't want us to be mean or it wouldn't be Christian of us to help these people. So I was thinking, tables turned, they wouldn't want us in their city, not really. Also people keep saying how innocent the folks are that are in the middle of this, who will be killed, this is harsh but in past wars there were casualties of war. I don't wish for all this fighting, but we are suppose to protect ourselves. I read a friend of mine's blog, she put it so nicely. Would you let in these people if they were at your door, into your home with your family? Especially with the bad people at their heals. We can't even help our homeless or our vets, what makes everyone think we can help these refugees? I don't get it. If we were being as Isis here, don't you think they would be trying to protect themselves? They don't care who they hurt or how many. Folks are saying we the people the USA don't care, where the heck have you been living, under a rock? We've sent our precious troops to die, to try and teach and to show that we are trying to make things go in a right direction. We are not killing just to kill, they are. You can't say that some of the refugees won't be here to carry out more terror. They are coming from an place they called home, this is not their home. How about help the folks here? 

I'm so sick of people putting down a Christians belief, first it's not a religion, it's a way of life, it's a way that helps'most' live a life of honesty, of caring, of love and yes a way to show God through us. Folks throw this in our face like its a bad thing. Just because I believe in God and that one day I will meet Him, and just because I show this in my words and life doesn't mean I can't stand against what I feel is wrong as a person. Just because I may vote a certain way doesn't mean I hate others. Has nothing to do with region. It's just the way I chose to believe. If I'm wrong I will find out with every other person living this life, but if I'm right, I feel sorry for those who made fun or put down the ways of God. 

I'm so far from perfect but I know what I believe. God didn't make us stupid, we choose to be that way. Our world has gone to hell, excepting of everything and everyone. We can love all but hate their sin, why is this so bad to say? The ones saying to help, go help, stop complaining about us Christian folk and go be at the front door waiting to bring them home. The saying right is wrong and wrong is right has come to pass. We do need leaders who believe in God, I'm not saying using that for the only reason, but maybe just maybe they can give people a little hope. This country needs hope it needs a little faith in someone to keep us going because the world will get worse. I can't see why it's right for those who don't go to church or claim to know God can have all the say and that they are the only ones trying to help. Well that's just crap!! Faith has always been around and it's what has got a lot of people through, it's what has been around longer and the faith believing folks are just trying to hold on to something that means the world because all others are taking everything else away. People need to stop and think before speaking.

A caterpillar

The years in my life weren't always colorful

Not anything bright not really a sparkle

Things I knew I loved or brought me joy

Where animals and music and that's my story

Struggles of a different kind in my mind kept me at a slower pace

Just like the caterpillar taking its time not in a race

Slow and easy with a sweetness slightly hidden

In my closed space, God was doing my biding

See a caterpillar you may notice but not see much at first

Till it has been sheltered and freed from its curse

It took a longer time for change to come to me

To cover the outside and let the inside be freed

Confused and plain with my childlike love

I'm becoming more to see, covered by this glove

The cacoon I was in opened my mind and heart

Brought rainbows, smiles, forgiveness that can never depart

The little caterpillar in me

Brought a little clarity you see

Taught me we have to go through changes and even cry

Be closed up then good with saying bye

Because it's takes time to become a beautiful butterfly..

Forgiveness is for us, think about it

The last few weeks so many memories have to come to my mind about my mom. This morning she calls before six thinking her clock says ten. I get irritated and say mom, it's still dark, look at your clock  then she sees its 5:59. Anyway after the short talk I get busy with my household stuff and start to think how she was not meaning to call so early, though I was irritated, she was not. Months ago she would have been especially when I said, mom look outside, check your phone clock, in a not normal voice. 

Most my life my mom has not been my mom, as a lot of people know. She was always mean, cursed all the time, called me names, was jealous of me, caused trouble for me, tried to have me arrested, and numerous other not so good things. I didn't like her let alone love her. I was always hurt that she wasn't a mom I needed. I always said, I'd never have kids because of her and a few other reasons. There were times I'd wish her to die, please get out of my life and of course the only thing that came of that was, she always needed me. Really!? I don't want to help you, I don't want to care but there's was no one, only me. I would say after I was saved that God only let them have me so there would be someone to care for them, my parents. I would question what did I do to be put on this earth for them. 

Through insecurity, homelessness, going hungry, living at times in the Salvation Army, living in a car, being with other supposedly adults who cared and molestation, how come I have to still take care of someone who did not take care of me? Hmm. My intire life with my mom was always a chore, always trying to keep her happy for fear of getting into trouble. I never wanted to cause more turmoil. 

Anyway, I said all this because, I have been thinking. Through all of this, though many times I didn't see, God kept me strong, He taught me what real forgiveness was, what real patience is and how to love someone who was not lovable. He put something inside me that made me want to care. He gave me tears lots and lots of them. He gave me a good heart, and I really don't know how it's not a hard heart, except God. 

Good news comes to those who wait. This is funny in a way. I don't always like waiting especially since I've waited fourty eight years to here my mom say and I think now she means it, I love you honey:) I say it first but it is a wonderful sound. She has said it before maybe once every two or three months, but now every day. Last week she hugged me on her own and kissed my check:) she looks at me when she talks now. I know it took the right people, the right medication but at least I'm learning to let go of the bad past stuff with Her and just enjoy her being happy and happy with me. If you have a mom who already wants to hug you and not let go, please let them. I'm a daughter who is loving hugs from my mom. Kind of silly but of course I'm crying writing this and smiling. Years and years of just wanting a piece of my mom to show up, and it has. I know now when my mom meets Jesus, I will miss her because I love her and I really do now want her happy. 

I've learned mental illness was it her fault, I've learned she has a kind heart, especially for animals or stuffed animals. She thinks like a child and I had to learn to be her mom for a stage in my life. I guess really I learned to be a mom, caring for my own mom. Go figure.

I continue to care for her, not everyday now since she lives in a wonderful place that does these things for her. I've seen many changes in my mom, some not good. She has started in this dementia stage and forgets a lot, but it's ok, right now I remember, her calling me fifteen times a day just to say she ate or got a good shower or even just to check on me. 

Folks hug your moms, let him hug you, there's not always another time. I waited fourty eight years to fill a real hug from my mom, don't wait for years. If your mom has passed remind others of this. Forgiveness is huge and it's true, it's not for them it's for us. Hug someone and mean it:)

Ok God ..

While I was driving the other morning I was talking to God as normal, but this time I was kind of yelling, asking why and telling Him things He already knew of course. Then I preceded to say since you already know these things why should I keep praying about them? Why, because I don't understand all the things that are going wrong. I was even blaming God since He does allow things to happen. 

Lord I've asked, begged, pleaded to where I feel it hasn't made a difference. I sure was on a roll. I told God I fear if He doesn't respond soon I will never get back to a good place. I've been precise in my prayers and not asking for wants, I've tried to be careful with that. If you God can see all, why are you allowing this these things to go on? Are you punishing me? Am I not faithful enough? Do I not give you the praise when I see all you've done? I know you have answered many prayers but now I'm thinking you have me in a time out. Have I tried to do to much on my own? From my point of view I can't just sit after I've prayed, I have to actually write out a check, pay a bill or take care of others while not asking for myself, so I have to do something even when I'm not sure. I know I've been forgiven because you God said when I asked it would be done. I guess though forgiveness doesn't mean we still don't have to go through stuff. We are not promised roses and sunshine everyday. 

Again though Lord, I'm falling apart, my life inside where my soul lives is dying, I have tremedious sorrow, my insecurity has overtaken me and my smile hides it all. I feel I don't care as I used to so this may be a reason I have to wade in my troubles. I've heard not to go on feelings, well sometimes you do. Your heart has to feel something before it can love or care. You have to feel it beat out of your chest at times to go to the alter. If I didn't go on my feelings at times, I would stop crying, stop caring and I probably wouldn't choose you. 

On my last leg as people say. For me I need something from you today, I need to know there is someone out there who cares enough to love me through this. To tell me it's going to be ok and even someone to realize my need is important to. Dear God I need to be lead, and comforted. I need to know that to want things just a little easier is not so bad, to want to live a happier life with less stress. I really don't think that's to much to ask for. God I am thankful for all you let me see, all the wonderful colors and having my mom be a joy and say I love you to honey. 

I've even thought, I'm not going to pray, I'm not going to talk to you God. Before I know it, I'm talking to Him. It's in me. Dear God I know I'm not a good child of yours, I know I haven't been trusting enough. Well anyway, 45 min later, I say ok God I need relief. I wait I listen and nothing. 

Later that night God informs me, I have one important prayer answered, my mom hugging me and saying she loves me. I'm thinking, true but God! Then before I fall asleep I learn its ok to want my family happy I just can't do it by myself. Gods time is not ours, I'm thankful I have a heart that cares. I believe my tears show that I love which helps me care more. If that was gone I truly would be lost. 

I continue to remind God of His word, I continue to have a small seed of faith and I'm living on my hope right now that all will be ok, I just have to hold on a little longer. My struggle is real, my sorrow is my shadow but I still have my piece of thread, though thin, I'm holding on. Whatever offering we can give, and I don't mean just money, God sees the effort. I noticed once I got it out, even in anger, God still sent me a thought and a little more strength, that day.. The least I can do is love enough to care.