Forgiveness is for us, think about it

The last few weeks so many memories have to come to my mind about my mom. This morning she calls before six thinking her clock says ten. I get irritated and say mom, it's still dark, look at your clock  then she sees its 5:59. Anyway after the short talk I get busy with my household stuff and start to think how she was not meaning to call so early, though I was irritated, she was not. Months ago she would have been especially when I said, mom look outside, check your phone clock, in a not normal voice. 

Most my life my mom has not been my mom, as a lot of people know. She was always mean, cursed all the time, called me names, was jealous of me, caused trouble for me, tried to have me arrested, and numerous other not so good things. I didn't like her let alone love her. I was always hurt that she wasn't a mom I needed. I always said, I'd never have kids because of her and a few other reasons. There were times I'd wish her to die, please get out of my life and of course the only thing that came of that was, she always needed me. Really!? I don't want to help you, I don't want to care but there's was no one, only me. I would say after I was saved that God only let them have me so there would be someone to care for them, my parents. I would question what did I do to be put on this earth for them. 

Through insecurity, homelessness, going hungry, living at times in the Salvation Army, living in a car, being with other supposedly adults who cared and molestation, how come I have to still take care of someone who did not take care of me? Hmm. My intire life with my mom was always a chore, always trying to keep her happy for fear of getting into trouble. I never wanted to cause more turmoil. 

Anyway, I said all this because, I have been thinking. Through all of this, though many times I didn't see, God kept me strong, He taught me what real forgiveness was, what real patience is and how to love someone who was not lovable. He put something inside me that made me want to care. He gave me tears lots and lots of them. He gave me a good heart, and I really don't know how it's not a hard heart, except God. 

Good news comes to those who wait. This is funny in a way. I don't always like waiting especially since I've waited fourty eight years to here my mom say and I think now she means it, I love you honey:) I say it first but it is a wonderful sound. She has said it before maybe once every two or three months, but now every day. Last week she hugged me on her own and kissed my check:) she looks at me when she talks now. I know it took the right people, the right medication but at least I'm learning to let go of the bad past stuff with Her and just enjoy her being happy and happy with me. If you have a mom who already wants to hug you and not let go, please let them. I'm a daughter who is loving hugs from my mom. Kind of silly but of course I'm crying writing this and smiling. Years and years of just wanting a piece of my mom to show up, and it has. I know now when my mom meets Jesus, I will miss her because I love her and I really do now want her happy. 

I've learned mental illness was it her fault, I've learned she has a kind heart, especially for animals or stuffed animals. She thinks like a child and I had to learn to be her mom for a stage in my life. I guess really I learned to be a mom, caring for my own mom. Go figure.

I continue to care for her, not everyday now since she lives in a wonderful place that does these things for her. I've seen many changes in my mom, some not good. She has started in this dementia stage and forgets a lot, but it's ok, right now I remember, her calling me fifteen times a day just to say she ate or got a good shower or even just to check on me. 

Folks hug your moms, let him hug you, there's not always another time. I waited fourty eight years to fill a real hug from my mom, don't wait for years. If your mom has passed remind others of this. Forgiveness is huge and it's true, it's not for them it's for us. Hug someone and mean it:)