Ok God ..

While I was driving the other morning I was talking to God as normal, but this time I was kind of yelling, asking why and telling Him things He already knew of course. Then I preceded to say since you already know these things why should I keep praying about them? Why, because I don't understand all the things that are going wrong. I was even blaming God since He does allow things to happen. 

Lord I've asked, begged, pleaded to where I feel it hasn't made a difference. I sure was on a roll. I told God I fear if He doesn't respond soon I will never get back to a good place. I've been precise in my prayers and not asking for wants, I've tried to be careful with that. If you God can see all, why are you allowing this these things to go on? Are you punishing me? Am I not faithful enough? Do I not give you the praise when I see all you've done? I know you have answered many prayers but now I'm thinking you have me in a time out. Have I tried to do to much on my own? From my point of view I can't just sit after I've prayed, I have to actually write out a check, pay a bill or take care of others while not asking for myself, so I have to do something even when I'm not sure. I know I've been forgiven because you God said when I asked it would be done. I guess though forgiveness doesn't mean we still don't have to go through stuff. We are not promised roses and sunshine everyday. 

Again though Lord, I'm falling apart, my life inside where my soul lives is dying, I have tremedious sorrow, my insecurity has overtaken me and my smile hides it all. I feel I don't care as I used to so this may be a reason I have to wade in my troubles. I've heard not to go on feelings, well sometimes you do. Your heart has to feel something before it can love or care. You have to feel it beat out of your chest at times to go to the alter. If I didn't go on my feelings at times, I would stop crying, stop caring and I probably wouldn't choose you. 

On my last leg as people say. For me I need something from you today, I need to know there is someone out there who cares enough to love me through this. To tell me it's going to be ok and even someone to realize my need is important to. Dear God I need to be lead, and comforted. I need to know that to want things just a little easier is not so bad, to want to live a happier life with less stress. I really don't think that's to much to ask for. God I am thankful for all you let me see, all the wonderful colors and having my mom be a joy and say I love you to honey. 

I've even thought, I'm not going to pray, I'm not going to talk to you God. Before I know it, I'm talking to Him. It's in me. Dear God I know I'm not a good child of yours, I know I haven't been trusting enough. Well anyway, 45 min later, I say ok God I need relief. I wait I listen and nothing. 

Later that night God informs me, I have one important prayer answered, my mom hugging me and saying she loves me. I'm thinking, true but God! Then before I fall asleep I learn its ok to want my family happy I just can't do it by myself. Gods time is not ours, I'm thankful I have a heart that cares. I believe my tears show that I love which helps me care more. If that was gone I truly would be lost. 

I continue to remind God of His word, I continue to have a small seed of faith and I'm living on my hope right now that all will be ok, I just have to hold on a little longer. My struggle is real, my sorrow is my shadow but I still have my piece of thread, though thin, I'm holding on. Whatever offering we can give, and I don't mean just money, God sees the effort. I noticed once I got it out, even in anger, God still sent me a thought and a little more strength, that day.. The least I can do is love enough to care.