Gracefully growing old ( Not)

While sitting with my family over the holiday weekend we started to talk some about how old we were getting and all the stuff people do to stay younger. I said, if it was free I'd have me some Botox all the time. I'm not one for growing old gracefully. I'm gonna color my hair and exercise some, just so I can feel a little better. 

When I think about it, I have Arthur and Bur in my life with a little touch of fiber myalgia, hands hurt, back feet just pick a joint and yep there to. So brings me to, nope I'm gonna do what I can to feel some better, and if I feel like I look ok, I sometimes feel better. 

Folks have said, as you get older you tend to be more relaxed and stable..Hmmm, relaxed some more stable only in my thoughts. I've gotten more patient because of being a care giver but I'm not nessasary close to where I need to be at my age on certain issues. First lets go with what I know to be positive with age. I know more of what Gods word means, I understand scripture more and really take it to heart. I've learned what real love is from God and my kids. I know where I'd like my life to be and I'm not there yet. I'm not easily angered over things that I know can be fixed. Like in my twenties, I was stupid. I think your twenties is a learning time to figure out who you are. I have learned that I don't need people's approval and really I don't want a lot of people in my life that doesn't truly care for my well being. I have learned there are few people you can trust but most times if you have a secret, keep it that way.

I don't like when others think time spent on yourself is silly, well it's not. As I get older I need time for myself and I need things done to keep me going. I don't want my grays showing, though they have a mind of their own. I want a little tan, because it makes me feel better. When I hear kids say, I can't wait to get older, I want to shake them and say, take your time it goes by way to fast, then you are older. Now some not so wonderfulness.  I've had others say, oh at a certain point, you will love it, especially your fourties. Um, still waiting for the fun time to start . My hormones have a whole life they live and I just go with it, I have no choice. I will say I guess getting older is not real bad, just bad :) the time of my life hasn't started yet either. I think I was tricked and my body is laughing so hard and this is why I'm on this side of crazy. 

I wear glasses so I can read oh but lately, I just wear them all the time because there's always something to read or see. My brain doesn't get along with my mouth, they never can communicate right. Words are forgotten or even reasons why I walk in a room. It is crazy! 

Ok I do believe I'm smarter from things I've learned by making numerous mistakes. I understand more because God helps me see a different side instead of just my own. I'm trying to talk myself in to realizing, it's ok, I'm ok and the voices in my head are just loony toons. The voice in my head is me talking to myself so young people, look forward to having conversations with yourself. Learn to listen well because you will even give yourself advice. 

Did I mention meds? Ok well there are some special things to getting older. Shake Shake:) pill bottle..

Not all is wonderful but there are a few that will make your day and everyone else's. Sitting here writing my mind is jumping from here to there of things to say. Like when I was younger stupid things were so funny, now I will just look at you like your stupid. It's funny how with age comes some wisdom but I sure need a lot more. I get on my own nerves and sometimes I just need to sit back and relax. We all at some point have a favorite year, mine was 39. Now I'm waiting for another year like that one, maybe it will be when I turn 50. Not far away. I can't believe how time seems to just go by without us paying much attention and we just stay without much change. Well I'm ready to change some things in my thinking but gracefully growing old, not a chance :) 

Abuse ( parents take notice)

Sometimes I watch things on tv I should not but something in this show brought a tugging in my heart and a anger. The topic of conversation was abuse mostly molestation. I have been trying to write on more uplifting things but I really felt lead to discuss what I was hearing and maybe give correction and a little insight.

On this particular show they were interviewing people who had committed this awful crime and I wanted to hear their solution. See there were a few who were actually trying to warn parents about what to look for and of course one of them was a idiot. I'm trying to refrain from calling these people monsters and other names just so I can get to my point in a bit. One of the men talked about all the things we parents already know, tell your kids to say no, tell someone or run away. Well I'm here to say this does not work, we need to teach them something different. For one reason, example, if the child being touched knows the parents loves and trusts this person, the child will be afraid to hurt the parent. Kids do protect their parents to. Also the child is afraid of not being believed. Tell your child, under no circumstances, Whether the person is loved or not , don't ever be afraid to tell , because the person touching you is sick and needs help, ( hung by a tree) sorry, the person that is hurting you does not deserve being around you or anyone else .

Also, another perverted man said, it's the victims fault for being a easy target. Yep, I wanted to climb in the tv. Again tell our children, to fight back, let them know their body is theirs and nobody else's . Teach them to be stronger then the predictor. Kids at times feel obligated to this sick individual, they feel threatened, but let them know, if this sick person hurts you or worse, they will also be hurt or killed. Let kids know that a threat is only a way of making them afraid. We need to really be real with our kids.

I know from experience that sometimes when this is happening to you, you want to protect people so you allow things to happen. I didn't have someone, I could to tell, to help me feel secure and safe. Especially when it's in your immediate family. 

Please talk to your kids, let them know that there are sadistic,immoral,undeserving people who will take advantage if they are allowed. Your children are the most precious gift, let them know at a early age, what is allowed a safe touching area on their bodies. Pay attention to those individuals who seem to want your child in their lap , or take them to the bathroom. Your gut will tell you.

I'm not trying to say everyone is bad, but be a little scared because this happens everyday, to the happiest of kids. If your life hasn't been touched in some way by this be very thankful because it is something you never forget. These people on the show said, they did not need to be let out of jail because they knew it would happen again. I believe a molester can't change, and no second chance.

A life is changed as soon as a child is touched inappropriately, they don't understand and they feel guilty. My final advice, talk real to your child, let them know you will under no circumstances allow anyone to hurt them, but as a parent we need to know. And as a parent make sure your child feels safe and secure. Ask them what would help them feel more safe and listen.

Also watch your child. If they seem uncomfortable around someone, red flag! If they start to be withdrawn, red flag! If they don't want to go with someone or to that house, red flag! Ask your child why they feel this way. Help your child feel and know without a doubt, you are always on their side. Abuse happens and sometimes right in front of you. It makes me so angry that there are some parents that trust everyone. STOP IT NOW. 

Just love your child enough to prepare them because if you don't, the wrong person will.

A chapter of hope

There have been a lot of chapters in my life, both good and bad and much learning. Through mistakes and seeing the lives  of others I try to not make the same mistakes again. I know my conscious wouldn't let me anyway. I saw a quote one time that said something like, it's a mistake if you do it once if you continue it's a habit. I think this true. If you continue making the same mistakes then theres no excuss, its something you choose to. Well anyway, I feel a new chapter is starting, my son just graduated and my daughter getting married in a few months. Im hoping for the best for all of us, which brings me to the word" hope ". 

This has been my favorite word for years. I always have hope that things will work out. It seems to make life a little less hard to bear at times. Holding out hope for tomorrow just gives me a better out look especially on today. So many times I worry about things that I have no control over, not that I'm not trusting God, I'm just a fixer, have to fix everything. 

I have said to my family, if I ever loose hope, there's nothing left for me because through hope, God gave me faith to believe in something and someone. I do question what's going on now in my life and I hope I'm doing it right. I hope my kids see that their mom believed in them and believed in God. Hope is a word that helps you know things will turn out for the best. It gives you a feeling of peace of mind and sometimes a sigh of relief.

I have used this word in my thoughts a lot this week. My emotions have been all over the place and I've allowed doubt to seep in. You know the devil is smart , he will use anything and anyone to detour you from what God has given us, which is hope in him and His abilities to bring us through . 

I want my new chapter to be filled with hope. I want a light to shine so much in this chapter that it looks like the sun. I've been so caught up in the way I feel that I forget what I know has nothing to do with the way I feel. Though I may be a little discouraged doesn't mean as I write right now, that at this very moment God is working on the problem. Just because I feel overwhelmed doesn't mean God is not calming me and working these emotions out. And just because the situation seems to be at a stand still doesn't mean God hasn't given me enough Hope to prepare me to wait because He's not at a stand still. My chapter is starting with hope in my days to come and though I may be tired, God helps me smile because I have hope for tomorrow . This is my choice not a habit. I choose to have hope.

Choose a word or scripture that helps you through, that reminds you that no matter what there is always hope. 

Moms and a memory

As Mother's Day approaches I am actually thinking about myself and why I love being a mom to the two heartbeats of my life. So many memories flood my mind as I try to think of just the right things to talk about. I think I'll start with things all good moms do such as caring for every need they can for their babies. From the time they arrive in this world to hopefully when I leave this world. Wiping noses, cleaning up the same area five times, even now as they are grown. Making sure they have what they need and a lot of their wants. We as moms love our children and always want so much more then the best for them.

I am so proud of the two I have that I cry just thinking of them. Yes I cry most all the time but that doesn't count. I can look at them and it fills my heart with such joy that it overflows and again I smile and cry. I never knew you could love another human as much as I love them. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with emotion just because God gave them to me, to love to cherish and help grow to be their best. I smile when they smile, I cry with them and even get mad with them. When people talk about momma bears well they are exactly right, we will fight till the end protecting our precious baby.

I know I have made many mistakes, I've been way over the top protective, especially with my daughter. I wanted to keep any bad away from her, it didn't always work but I will say through her being mad at me, she sees why I was so overprotective. She is as I've said numerous times, the reason my heartbeats so fast. I think she is the most beautiful girl God created, as all moms will think of their own, she is smart, strong willed and knows what she wants. She loves God and she lives the right way. She taught me forgiveness when she was very young. The word love just doesn't seem to be strong enough for my kids. My son, oh my goodness, he has been the one to show me what really a last nerve is. He is so handsome and funny and has a heart that's bigger then he will admit. Something I have said about him since he was little was, he loves me best. He has always been like a little parent to me, always calling and checking on me, always wanting to know where I'm at and when I'll  be home, my little protecter then and still is. They both have made my life so cherished, and loved. Though as wonderful as they are, believe me I've learned a little more patience and the holding of my tongue. Plenty of yelling and not talking but lots of love. 

If my kids can love someone even half of what I love them, that person will smile forever. God knew I needed them, He knew I needed to learn from them and know I could have love given back to me in abundance. All the spills, falls, getting mad, hurt feelings, driving away all the not so nice stuff, I would not change. I would not take back a second of time with my kids, there's things I might change but never a moment they were with me, my life would not be the same. 

As a mom I've so enjoyed so many things with them, from sports, to going on our day trips to Petit  Jean, to the lake or just sitting watching a movie. I love being a mom. I want to share so much with them and I hope I can teach them so good things to. 

A funny memory of both while small, my lovely beautiful daughter from the time she could pull a diaper off was naked all the time. She hated clothes, I put them on she took them off, but potty trained before a year old :) she loved learning and was on the computer at a year and a half so smart and still smart on computers. She hated dolls, she wanted hot wheels, our hot rod as we called her. My son never liked computers but loved outside. One time while playing in the rain, which is great for kids, he bent over and dipped his white blond hair in the mud and continued till his face was covered from him letting it drip down. Has loved mud since. He's a true country boy. Oh and not afraid to moon me now and then still :)

All you moms, you all have these wonderful memories, smile today and remember, our day is not just on Sunday , it's everyday. Moms are never on off, we go and go till we can't . We are awesome, strong and if you ask about our kids, yes ma'am we will tell you. God bless you all.

As we say here at my house,I love you past the moon up to heaven and back again. Kysha and Andrew, momma sure does love you.

Love seeps through

These last few days I have tortured myself and cried constantly trying to make a decision that will effect my life and my moms. I don't feel great about making decisions for myself but oh I can fix everyone else. I have been asking God, well demanding at times , please God just hit me in the head with something because apparently I'm not paying attention.

There have been many days I have been having my very own pity party, with all the why me's and how comes or just saying why can't things just be simple for a few weeks. See I want things as simple as possible and I want to please everyone. I want all to go right and it not be my fault. Even with my mom, I have felt so bad towards her at times then I'll think I get the bad end of the deal, and get mad or sad and just wish for help. 

I have been a little selfish and down on myself while caring for my mom. I want her happy and when she's happy things are good and easier. I've been selfish because, I'm the one that has cared for her and I'm not letting go. I know it will best for her. Putting my mom in assisted living has been hard for me as for her, this is the choice I'm working on making now. My mom deserves to be happy and around others, to have a life and where she's at now, sitting in a chair watching tv is not it. 

I have wanted to run away because I would get so overwhelmed and almost couldn't handle certain things with my mom. I was doing it to myself, not letting go of my third child as I've called her. I've taken care of her most my life and I was feeling like I was doing something wrong by even thinking of putting my mom somewhere beside her home. Again that was me being selfish, she needs more then me.

You know it takes every kind of people to fulfill different things in this life. Some things are hard or horrific and they just suck the life right of you it seems. But you know, it only seems that way. We get stronger. I heard a courageous lady today say,she believes every bad and good thing in her life happened so she could show others how to grow through her experience. This just caught my heart and it was my hit in the head. My heart leaped and sank, then I thought instead of why me, why not me? God isn't punishing me, He's helping me grow, He's teaching me how to trust Him with these loads of cares. I think God chose me for my mom because He knew I could handle it when others might not could have. He chooses certain people for certain jobs. I may not of chosen to be a care giver but I will tell you through this journey with my mom, I have learned to forgive her and others for past things, I have let ugly memories go and stop blaming my mom for things she doesn't even understand. Guess what, when you do, love seeps through. When you can forgive a parent who you never could say I love you to, and now I can, my heart has joy. I've had a lot of anger and disappointment, but this love covers hurts that I thought wasn't possible. 

God chose me for her, for many reasons and I believe it was to teach me, you can find love to give and stop hurting from hurts, but you will hurt because of love. I know things happen for a reason and that's why I'm doing the best I know for my mom and myself. If I can help someone through by my journey, I'm happy. Even if I don't , patience came to live in my forgiving love filled heart for a lady I didn't think I could love.

Tomorrow God will show me the sun, lift me up and hold me in His grace and help my tears to be joy and not sadness in the days a head. I'm doing what is right, though very hard, but right. As I've been told, right is not always easy.

To all of you who have prayed and encouraged me, thank you, I love you.

A simple answer :)

This week has been one of those weeks where I feel all I've of done is cry or complain while trying to figure out how to fix things. I haven't slept well and my brain feels like it's in a fog. I have said over the years that when things happen it does it in threes and most times this is true but not this time we have tripled that well double triple that.

I was laying on my bed and kind of praying and talking to myself, which I do both quite often, and it was like the fog lifted and God spoke, only for half a second but it was like I couldn't believe what I heard, thought or felt even though I have know this very answer for years. I smiled and shook my head because all I thought was wow, again when I least expect it God moves.

The words to me were my plans are not your plans"  give me your cares" that was it so simple and so true. I'm so one of those who feel the need to fix everything myself or try and plan it out, which usually doesn't work. I'm a worrier because I can't give everything to God. Yet He still listens, speaks and comforts me. In my little human brain I cannot see how things will work out, but you know I don't have to see it, I just need to believe it, believe in Gods plan for me. 

When I look back there are things that should not of worked out and they did. There was money when there was none in my checking account, we were protected from accidents and healed from sickness. My life is far from perfect and I'm no where as close to God as I should be, but I'm here to say never give up, God will never give up on you. Our troubles can be worked out maybe not in our time but His. It is very hard for me to not be able to do everything to make all things ok. I get so down on myself because I feel responsible for everyone. I probably always will, it's in my nature. I'm so happy though, that with being so overwhelmed, sad and just lost, it only took a second for me to hear God. 

I know He has a plan, I know He wants good things for me and He doesn't like to see His children hurt. I believe it, I will have days where I feel like giving up, as I've had lately, but if I didn't have God in my heart to remind me , I would certainly have completed my mission on giving up. The Lord our God sends messages to us even through others, even people you would least expect, we just need to listen, open our ears to hear and shut our trap now and again. 

My poor few friends who have to deal with me God will bless you, He blessed me with you, thank you for your ears that heard me and prayed. You know it's really up to us to just plainly firmly to believe, I do need to be reminded constantly but I'm so glad God has patience with me. I'm still a little unsure in this human mind of mine and God knows it. In time it will work out and I know things happen for a reason and you know what, sometimes we never know why and that's ok, that just means move forward, learn and go with God and His plan, whatever it might be.