There have been many days I have been having my very own pity party, with all the why me's and how comes or just saying why can't things just be simple for a few weeks. See I want things as simple as possible and I want to please everyone. I want all to go right and it not be my fault. Even with my mom, I have felt so bad towards her at times then I'll think I get the bad end of the deal, and get mad or sad and just wish for help.
I have been a little selfish and down on myself while caring for my mom. I want her happy and when she's happy things are good and easier. I've been selfish because, I'm the one that has cared for her and I'm not letting go. I know it will best for her. Putting my mom in assisted living has been hard for me as for her, this is the choice I'm working on making now. My mom deserves to be happy and around others, to have a life and where she's at now, sitting in a chair watching tv is not it.
I have wanted to run away because I would get so overwhelmed and almost couldn't handle certain things with my mom. I was doing it to myself, not letting go of my third child as I've called her. I've taken care of her most my life and I was feeling like I was doing something wrong by even thinking of putting my mom somewhere beside her home. Again that was me being selfish, she needs more then me.
You know it takes every kind of people to fulfill different things in this life. Some things are hard or horrific and they just suck the life right of you it seems. But you know, it only seems that way. We get stronger. I heard a courageous lady today say,she believes every bad and good thing in her life happened so she could show others how to grow through her experience. This just caught my heart and it was my hit in the head. My heart leaped and sank, then I thought instead of why me, why not me? God isn't punishing me, He's helping me grow, He's teaching me how to trust Him with these loads of cares. I think God chose me for my mom because He knew I could handle it when others might not could have. He chooses certain people for certain jobs. I may not of chosen to be a care giver but I will tell you through this journey with my mom, I have learned to forgive her and others for past things, I have let ugly memories go and stop blaming my mom for things she doesn't even understand. Guess what, when you do, love seeps through. When you can forgive a parent who you never could say I love you to, and now I can, my heart has joy. I've had a lot of anger and disappointment, but this love covers hurts that I thought wasn't possible.
God chose me for her, for many reasons and I believe it was to teach me, you can find love to give and stop hurting from hurts, but you will hurt because of love. I know things happen for a reason and that's why I'm doing the best I know for my mom and myself. If I can help someone through by my journey, I'm happy. Even if I don't , patience came to live in my forgiving love filled heart for a lady I didn't think I could love.
Tomorrow God will show me the sun, lift me up and hold me in His grace and help my tears to be joy and not sadness in the days a head. I'm doing what is right, though very hard, but right. As I've been told, right is not always easy.
To all of you who have prayed and encouraged me, thank you, I love you.
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