A simple picture

Oh my goodness where to start. There is so much ugly going on in our world today that I don't want to think of, mostly because I know it's going to get worse. Anywhoo, something that brought a smile to my face is a new blog I'm reading. So lovely, emotional , true and sincere. A man writing about the love of his life while she deals with cancer. One picture he took caught me, it made me stop and think of how special just a simple jester is or the simple caring of another person. This picture spoke volumes. He took a picture of his wife holding their little girl, sitting on the front porch steps watching the sun come up. This was joy to him and showed so much beauty and love. His wife has a beautiful faith and it shows in just the simple things that make her happy.

What's good needs to show and I know it's hard for this to be a first impression, especially when your going through things in your life. I know that laying in my hammock just looking up, makes me smile because I know whose up there watching over me. I know I stare at my kids till they think I'm crazy, but I want to soak them in, I love looking at them, not only because I love them but I'm amazed they came from me. I want my faith and my love to show through, I want people to know I care. I know I can't be everything to everyone but I hope those that see me know they have touched my life in some way. That picture as I said of her was just so beautiful so explosive to me in a way where, we shouldn't have to speak our love it should just show.

I know to with all this craziness going on in our world, it's hurtful. I'm sure God is shaking His head. You know He has warned us, we knew things would get bad, and it has. It bothers me that just because I say I love you and will be praying for you, but I don't agree with what your doing, I'm a hater. Is it not the same what these others are saying. They are standing for what they believe and are against us, doesn't that make them a hater to? Hmmm, I sure wish people could see what's most important. Let me have my belief and you have yours, there is no hate in that. I've taught my kids to stand firm in their beliefs and that's what all others are doing. Now lets move on to what matters.

Spending time with the people you are saying you care about. Picking up the phone to hear their voice, looking at the sky and giving thanks, respecting and not tearing down, staring at your kids or just sitting on the porch watching the flowers grow. The world has a lot of beauty that we take for granted because we are so busy tearing it down. 

I'm proud to be from the south, I don't look at the rebel flag as a sign of slavery, plus don't have to we are reminded by other people who keep bringing it up. No, I'm not for gay marriage, I do have a friend who I love and she always made me smile, she knows she was one of my favorites, but I don't believe in what she chooses, I don't have to, and she doesn't have to agree with me. I hold my belief as she does hers, and guess what, we still care about each other, no hate. We can agree to disagree. I trust in Gods word and I hold that hope and then when my time comes, I'll have my very own front porch to sit with my Lord. People can argue all they want but this is my truth and it doesn't change. 

I have also found another thing that has surprised me that makes me happy, that's my mom. In my thinking it was always, she needs me, who will care for her or just take time to hear her go on and on, well I've learned I need her to, just because she's my mom. So much torment going on in this crazy world, when we need to hold on to today, keep standing firm for God, but still find the joy in today. 

I needed to learn this, I needed to realize I was letting people ruin it for me. Those people that really matter, are the ones who listen even when they don't want to, those that send a simple text to remind you they are thinking of you, I smile about that because I don't need a lot. Just think on this man who is finding such joy in just watching his wife enjoy her life, which may be taken away. So do something, just say you will, do it. Find something that brings joy and hold it in your mind, then smile:)

Sharing is caring

This post is a little Radom I think but this is my therapy. You know when people get sick or they have to have surgery or anything that might hurt them, sometimes they don't share, they keep it secret. I'm one of these people and I was thinking I do it because I don't want to worry those who care about me. I can remember a friend of mine was a little irritated at me because I didn't tell her when I hurt my leg and I had said, I didn't want to worry you because you had so much going on and I was fine. It hurt her because she cares for me. So while caring for my mom I was reminded of a few things. Those who love us, want to know so they can pray or help. I know I want to know for these reasons. Also when someone we care about is ill or hurting we hurt to, and this is another reason sometimes we don't tell. I'm this person, I'm so use to caring for myself that is just how I keep it. 

Ok another reason I think this is, here's a short story that helps both sides of the reasoning. When my mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer I was scared for her and she was a little afraid but did real well. The day we had to go and remove bandages after her mastectomy I was there and telling her that it will be ok. Well let me tell ya , as soon as I saw the scare, I didn't handle it well at all. I cried and I felt so bad for my mom, though she seemed very good. Weird huh. Then ten years later she got the sad news again, needed her other breast removed, I was worried, I thought oh no I need to be strong for her, and I was, I was good with it and I'm so glad I was because this time my mom needed me because she was having a hard time. She said , I won't be a women anymore. I told her, mom boobs don't make you a women. I continued to remind her how good everything looked and she realized that it was ok. It's really funny how the situation changed. We both needed support and learned together through it. 

This is why I was saying, sometimes ask for help or prayer. You may be actually helping someone more then yourself. I need to know I'm needed or thought enough about to pray for for you, it gives me confidence and also it keeps me accountable. I get that we don't want to worry our loved ones, but sometimes just to share a need will keep us both strong. I know with all the encouragement I've gotten for my mom has helped me, I didn't nessasary want to share because I didn't think others really cared or needed the hassle of another worry. I was wrong. 

You know with my mom having cancer I was scared for myself to. My dad had cancer and my mothers siblings including her mom had it. Out of nine siblings, two died with it and three have had some sort of cancer. I've had irregular mammograms the last few years and now have to go every six months, scary to me, but I know what ever happens I have support. Even if just tons of prayer. Through prayer yesterday, my day with my mom and the starting of moving turned out well. 

So I guess I want others to know, share with your loved ones, don't be afraid to worry them because we worry even more after the fact and even get mad because your important to us and you didn't tell us. I get waiting for tests, ask for prayer. Sometimes it's actually the sick ones that teach us strength and courage. My mom has a disability but still taught me I can move on no matter what. 

A testimony of sorts

I know Ive written about my mom and choices I've had to make but right now I'm going to give kind of a testimony to something good, a learning experience , I guess a life moment that I just thought about while laying in the hammock on the back porch crying yet again.

Most people when they talk of their childhood they smile and share family moments with a mom and dad and continue on in their lives remembering these wonderful days. Playing outside or just being a kid. I don't have many memories of this nature, yes I do have a few of things like, when the street light came on I had to be home, playing cards and music with my parents and other adults and even playing a sport, being on a team, I just never got the chance to finish or even get a picture with school. Anyway people will say how great their parents were and knew they were loved.

Here's my testimony of that. I knew my dad loved me in his own way and my mom did to but not like normal parents. I actually grew up hating my mom, not wanting to be around her and even wishing her dead. She was never a mom as people have memories about. So to have to take care of someone that you don't like, though down deep I figure I did, having to be at their beck and call most my life was never something I wished for. Then to have my mom get sick and hurt after my dad died, well it was all up to me for sure then. 

Ok back to the hammock, I couldn't understand why I was crying, why I hurt this bad to place my mom in assisted living, in a safe place. I should be happy right? No, because I found a few years ago that I love her, I forgave her and my heart took her in as my child. I've felt responsible for her for so long that I don't know how to let someone else do that, and again it's because God taught me forgiveness, understanding and a lot of patience to care for someone that I didn't want to care for. God knew I needed to love someone besides my kids of course with out conditions,  whether they loved me or not. I do feel she loves me, we may only hug every so often and she tells me she loves me more then she did before, which means a lot especially if she says it first. 

I have learned through trial that God will teach you more if you allow Him to, if you open your heart to the idea of loving someone no matter what. 

I've told my friends to remind me I'm doing the right thing, I sure need reminding. My head knows this is true but my heart tells me NOO, don't do it and I cry. I realize this will help my mom and me. Isn't it funny how God works, smh.. Letting go is hard with your kids and also my mom. Even right now I cry, I worry, about her. See God provided away for me to have strength in away I never thought possible. I like knowing, even if I'm irrated, that it  doesn't mean I don't love. So my testimony in short would be, stay focused on positive even though it seems impossible, because the impossible happens.

True story

The life of a daughter care giver, true story. I have taken care of a parent for as long as I can remember, and I never really had a choice most times. I felt obligated because these are my parents. Now that I care for my mom it has not only become something I have to do its something I need to do. Yeah I could have chosen a different way at one time but no matter how I felt toward my mom I could not be mean to her, I couldn't just let someone else take over her life. 

I'm in a different place now and so is my mom. I often call her my third child as she calls me Lucy, her dogs name. Hey they sound similar. For the past 8 years they have been the most grievous and the most fruitful. I have learned away to care for someone that I didn't ever feel cared for me. I make sure she has plenty of food, her house presentable, help her bathe, take her to shop or dr. Just anything you would do for a child. I have felt bad at times like I haven't done enough or she needs more then I'm giving. Almost three years ago I attempted to move her to a assisted living place, well that didn't work out. I could not make my mom, it was way to hard on my heart. Now I'm attempting it again, this time for her, she needs more then me, she needs a life beyond a chair and tv. She needs a nurse in case she falls again , she needs more then I can give her. I love my mom, I think this is why I'm having a hard time letting go. 

I'm a little selfish as far as, I'm tired and I'd like to do more with my family or go spend a day a petit jean and I can't because there's no one to watch my mom. Everyday she relies on my care and to be honest it's what I'm use to. I dont know how to not care for her. I'm very sad at the thought of her not being right here. I'm worried will they do things for her right, will they give good care to her, will she be happy and adventually ok?? I'm overwhelmed with this decision. 

If you are a care giver do not let someone that is not or hasn't experienced what you have tell you what to do, or what's right. I do believe we should care for our parents, but I also feel I have to care for my kids and my  husband to. They have been without me many times because I had to be with my mom. When you have to do things on your own, don't allow ignorant people to make you feel bad. 

My body and mind is not at it's best and my mom deserves great care. I need to be in a good spot so I can go see her and us enjoy each other before we can't . I have learned people will criticize what they don't understand. Think of doing everything for a child, sickness and health and all the inbetweens, and it's not easy. Then again when it's all you have known, you start to think, what will I do next?

This past week has been good. My mom has laughed and even helped me clean. She sat on her front porch, watched and talked to her dog. As I walked away I cried, God am I'm doing the right thing. Then it was like, you know when your riding a Ferris wheel and you get to the top then the declined down, well that's what I felt . Excitement and relief. 

Not everyone can be a caregiver even by choice, so choose your words carefully before condemning or hurting someone's feelings. I have almost stopped the paper work for fear of not doing the right thing, but you know what, this is good for me and my mom. Just gotta get past the tears. Send prayer my way and a peace for my mom and myself. 

Simple

There are so many blessings to be had if we would only pay attention to the smallest of things. Today I needed clarity on a few issues that I clearly couldn't  reason within myself. I couldn't even pray very well for the clutter attacking me with confusion. I didn't want to allow this to take over my day especially with so much to do. I said those words everyone seems to say in a time of trouble , Lord help me. Then a person popped in my head and she helped untangled a few webs. I'm seeing this as a blessing, just a simple little talk through. 

When I look out my kitchen window I see the birds eating at the feeder and I'm thankful that I can enjoy such a simple experience. Hearing my mom laugh at a tv show, while I'm outside or this wonderful drink called sweet tea in my favorite glass. Such simple blessings, they make me smile.

Sometimes there are things that happen, that we may do or be a part of and others may not approve, maybe they should get the story behind it, but these decisions we make can be a simple blessing. 

I have said to myself and others, don't let people take your blessing, don't allow it, but I did this today. It is something that really hurts me and of course from someone I care about. Why do I allow others to dictate how I feel? I'm allowing the old devil to work through someone else and steal my blessings. I do this a lot, how do I stop? I second guess myself with words from others. I want to focus on the good and let go of the bad, but the bad holds on and keeps digging in.

Our lives can't revolve around what someone renders right or wrong, that's Gods place. My life is between Him and I , and that is a true blessing. I do need help from others and I respect a opinion if I ask for it, but don't even contemplate that I don't understand my life decisions. Gods people are suppose to life up, not tear down and again especially when the person they are hurting is already in a  breaking mode. 

To me a blessing is not only in things or what we see, health or miracles, it's the idea of persuing the ability to lift, to hold someone's arms, to establish a clear way of making a life a little easier if its in your power. I don't understand many things people do, I may not ever,but the people I know , I try the best I can to see the best way for them, not me. It can be a complement, or just to say I'm orating for you. How many people will say, we'll if it was me"? Well it's not and don't make me feel like I have no heart or degrade me just because its not something you would do. I know I have said to my friends, I wouldn't but it's your life, and it is. I want to see the blessings from those I love, I need it. I need uplifted and reminded daily that my choices are right or just that you will pray. Simple blessings is what I'm looking for, the humor in my son, advice my daughter needs from her mom, a friend who just takes a moment to listen, my moms laughter, Anthony getting the boat ready, a shared adventure from my son to me, my pretty flowers outside, the smile I get when I see friends at the store, my phone call early mornings, a great sermon, good music and a friend to hug me because she cares and all the prayer from those who think of me. 

Today would be a extra blessing, homemade peanut butter frosting on yellow cake :) I want to focus on good as much as I can, truth be told it is hard for me but I believe there is hope and through that my peace will come my light will shine through and I will start to push the upsetting words said away. I don't need spectacular fireworks to see a blessing, like I said a lot of joy we miss because the simple truth is its in the simple everyday things. I wonder if those that have all the answers are living great lives? I'm not always happy, I allow things to interfere but it's days like today through my rough start I saw a blue sky and a simple place to start. 

Her ( poem)

Soft and gentle are her ways

A smile that can light up your days

There's a spark in her eyes that can ignite 

Completely and totally engulf your life

The touch of her hand is always sweet

Never let go its something to keep

Though lines may show when she smiles

Take it in they only appear for a while

Holds herself not highly above

Seems simple and small but filled with love

A compliment is taken with a grain of salt

But she hides it in her mind like a volt

Courteous and respectable she leans towards

Will laugh at a joke, play then move forward

She is centered around family and God

No pretending not a fake not a fraud

Mistakes of many and still learning by day

Grieving of the loss of herself in away

Sometimes hands of cold and warmth of heart

She believes things happen for reasons from the start

Her presence is not always a noticeable state

Like a status or picture that comes out not so great

Her mind is  a sheltered place

But her heart is open and filled with grace

A friend a safe place to explore

What goes in at times is not to be found anymore

Her place in this world has been to care and care some more

What about what's down deep who knows her core

Believing and having hope is what she knows

Her shoulders can carry beyond their limit and more

Look in her eyes there's strength there that can soar

She loves with all her being every inch of herself

Gives forgiveness , shelters and shows patience even when there's none left

Being her is not the best thing to endure

Dislikes many things especially mirrors

Time hasn't been awful but on the inside

She dreams of security and clarity in her mind

She's drawn to so many things and people with a connection

Memories and music leaves her reflecting

Fate will be the one to close the doors

All else she can and will ignore

Simple but not in so many ways

She really is worth it and going to be ok

Tired

As soon as I woke up this morning my brain immediately hits 5th gear. Gotta fix some food for after church, clothes to wash, a dog to get outside, decisions to make and, don't forget Lisa you want to be healthy and look ok so don't forget to go run then stop by granny's make sure she's ok and has all she needs. Every morning this is my brain. 

This morning however I'm having a difficult time with this agenda, I'm tired, I'm not suppose to be tired, I have to much to do, to much to decide on and to try and figure which idea actually belongs to me. I think the only prayer that I have payed attention to this morning was, Lord help me. 

I feel like I smiled lot and I seem happy, but this morning so many reminders of why I'm not. I'm tired. There is so much to do, to get done and usually I'm good under pressure, not lately . I will say I have done all I set my mind to do this morning except run. I'm taking the day off, I'm sure my body thanks me :)

It seems I always have  something to deal with but it always works out. God has given me so much and has taught me a lot and I sure as anything don't understand why I can't be stronger willed and let myself be happier spite everyone else. I know the strength is in me because I have overcome so much, I know I shouldn't allow others thinking to dictate how I feel, see I know these things but yet I continue in my less then positive attitude. 

Don't get me wrong I love so many people and that makes me smile, God knew who to give a big heart to, but sometimes I let it guide me when I should listen to my brain. See there it goes again, trying to interfere in my thinking:) everyone has moments of down time, I need more clarity and positivity going in and coming out. Every time I here anything negative it affects me harshly. I'm trying to help the outside look ok while my inside is thinking, what about me? Geez always trying to please.

I know I should be most concerned about what God thinks about me and I am, I'm sure I've disappointed Him numerous times, with just who I am, but at least He loves me. 

My brain has caught the bug, the lets dig a hole and hide for a while then pop back up and see what's happening. It's not a pity party anymore it's the, being tired party. 

I do it to myself as always, I FEEL the need to help or fix everything, and I can't . I do wish someone could fix me though and take over my brain for a few days because I need a day off with it, as my body does. 

I'm glad God knows my true heart and He will help me, but I have to let go and this is extremely hard for me. How do you let go when that's all you know is to hold on, keep moving and just do it. Maybe being tired is ok as long as I don't stay tired. Like in sick and tired..... 

Gods mercy is new every morning, I'm thankful for this..

Have you hugged someone today?:)

You know how we always here, be encouraging, lift others up and be positive. Most of the time I try to have encouraging words and attempt to help people feel better. Again today though I was thinking selfishly, what actually lifts me up? Maybe this would help someone else. While talking with a friend we kind of touched on a touchy subject. How to help others be happier. Well to answer these questions my only answer can come from my personal experiences. First off we can't make someone else be happy but we can sure help. 

Being kind and actually paying attention to what I say is important to me, those who know me know I hate fake. Don't pretend with me. Another thing, I love hugs, people should hug more, it makes me feel good, oh and not the side one where, I'm hugging you but not really, those don't count. I will use my mother in laws words, I want to feel skin :) also a compliment, all of us like knowing we are doing a good job, or just that we are thought about even to know we look good. How can there be any thing wrong with making someone smile? I mean really. I like when people remember when I say something that touched them, it helps me know I'm doing ok sometimes. 

I like to joke with people because I want them to smile, I want to compliment you because you deserve to be noticed. I do know we don't do things to be noticed but there are those of us who at times feel invisible or that what we have to say doesn't matter. 

This is why I love my blog, it doesn't matter if anyone reads it or not, I'm getting it out of my head and I feel better. If someone reads it, yes I'm excited especially if it made them smile or think. I am not the smartest I only know my own life experience and that's all I can talk about, so I want others to not be afraid to share themselves with others. Tell them something good that they have done for you, or how they have lifted you up, even how pretty they are, because Im here to tell ya, I hate the mirror, so at my age if I get a compliment, I'm taking it and will smile for days. 

We never know how much a good word can change a persons day. Just a look and a smile lets you know you are cared about. Give someone's hand a squeeze, pat them on the back or shake their hand. Touchy feely is not always a bad thing. I show how I feel with my whole being, I tried to stop it years ago and that wasn't me. I like people and sometimes you just gotta hug them up. A wonderful lady from church, Lida, gives the best hugs. Once you leave her you know you were hugged. I want that :) it shows you care and are loved. Try not seeing with your eyes try seeing with your heart.

Thank you to my friend Rosaland, who never fails to remind me that I've done a good job, even gives me a compliment or just listens, this is a help to me. We can help in so many ways. Think about what helps you be happy and share it. 

Listening shows the other person matters

Caring its just right

Hugging just because

Smiling because you can

Sharing a story, some food

Taking time for just a quick call even a text

Oh and put the phone down long enough to see the person who wants your attention

Praying is always good

Just take a moment

You just might make someone's day:)

Are you a door mat?

On my morning run/walk I couldn't even concentrate on the music playing because my mind had its own agenda. Being irritated, discouraged or mad usually I hold it in because it usually does me no good to voice how I feel. This morning I was thinking about what God said, I can be angry just don't sin, but I'm wondering if holding it in all the time could be sin. Why? Well I'm hurting myself, I'm allowing others to dominate my life by not showing or saying how I really feel. My reasons for not saying anything is I don't want to hurt anyone or especially make them mad where I get the anger back at me. This is not good. Why are we sick sometimes, discouraged or feel unworthy? Are we really protecting anyone or ourselfs by holding everything in? I asked myself these questions this morning and this was my answer to myself.

I am worthy of being heard, I'm worthy of respect even if I feel the need to be loud or mad. My opinion matters the same as anyone else's, whether its heard or used or not. I'm somebody I'm not a door mat and that's how I've felt for years. I don't have to be all to everyone, I don't have to sit quietly while feeling like I don't matter or your words don't hurt. God gave me the same voice as you and I should be able to use it. I'm not wanting to hurt someone on purpose with my opinion and I won't but what I have to say counts. People can get mad and get over it. I'm so tired of negativity that I'm becoming it, it's true what your around you become. I don't like when others will say, just because their attitude is bad don't let it affect yours, yeah right. 

In my life I need confirmation, I need encouragement, I need positive thoughts because at times I feel I'm drowning with dealing with everybody else's stuff. I can't fix people I can help. I can't get you everything you want but I can work hard to try and help you. I will always do my best for you, I will think of you first and all I ask in return is the same respect I show to you. I know I've allowed so much junk in my life for fear of who knows what and I'm tired of it. I saw a saying/ quote that sort of said, I smile so you will never know my pain, those who choose to really know me, will know the difference. Today ask yourself,  are you being a door mat? What am I'm allowing in my life that I can take control over? Remember we can be mad just not stay mad. Encourage others to be themselves, this is why they are your friend, your spouse, your gf/bf, love them enough to realize the more negative and abusive others are that it brings us down makes us feel, we'll imagine a load of bricks tied to your feet and your barely holding on to the bank. It's a awful feeling. 

Yes I know God and I will say if not for Him it would be much harder. Let things out not to hurt others but to help yourself, don't be mean just because you can and though you think your right, you might not be. Don't be louder then those you say you love, really look at them and see how it hurts. Just because there are people around doesn't mean you still won't be lonely. A simple jester goes a long way and gives you a real smile.

Imagination

I find myself rubbing my hands together when I'm thinking. My imagination will take me to so many places, good and bad. I think sometimes our thoughts and imagination is either a place we want to be or a place we hope to never get to. I tend to allow things to take over my mind and it makes me sad. I wish to concentrate on what's good and I try at my best but there are things and people that interfere and even without them even knowing. I think we all wish for enough money to do whatever we want or attention that inspires us and makes us feel good. I tend to soak it up just because I used to feel bad if I got even the smallest compliment. Not anymore, I'm worth it to be noticed because I am a person who desires some of what life offers. I used to think, we'll still do, that I have to be careful with everything and everyone for fear of what people think. You know what people will think things no matter what you do. I'm tired of being scared of being a part of others and getting involved. It's the imagination that throws me off sometime . I have been so use to trying to be good and up right that I forgot why? My heart hurts for people who cannot be themselves, I know the feeling of stifling who you are to please others, it just makes you feel like who you are is bad even not worthy. 

I guess I'm talking about this because I want others to not let who you are be taken away or pushed down just to please someone else. God knows who you are meant to be and He is who you need to worry about. Be funny, care for people and don't be afraid to show it. Not everything is offensive or bad, it's in how you see it. If you know me I've always enjoyed people and laughing with them. I love to see people happy and even laughing with me. I notice others and their needs and it's not a bad thing to care. Use your imagination to take you to places that give joy and a plan to prosper your talents God gave you. Sometimes a talent is just being nice to someone, even if it doesn't seem the best idea to others. Don't let someone else's imagination ruin yours.  It's not so bad to make someone smile and give a sparkle to their eyes. 

The lake ( a simple poem)

I love the feeling of my feet dangling in the water and the sun on my skin

The waves splashing against the boat with a touch of warm wind

The sky so blue with ribbons of white streaming across in flurries

A great place to think and be thankful with no worries

The smell of the water and coconut lotion

Kind of romantic with all the motion

The heat from the sun giving me my tan 

Music playing on the radio and to close to land

It's like a freedom of riding across the lake

No hurry to be anywhere for goodness sake

A pretty site of sail boats across the way

Just nothing but smiles on this leisurely day

I feel so good on a day in the boat

Even a simple sandwich in my tote

The sparkles of rays across the water so bright

I could live here everyday morning till night

Sometimes the simplest of things give me the most happiness

A caring smile a nice massage and a little bliss

Ice tea in my cooler, sun glasses and my lip balm

Floating in a tube and feeling so calm

Take me to the lake is all that I ask

Give me a compliment and my smile will last

Love love the lake and all that it offers

A great little vacation not much can top it

Well maybe the ocean....