A testimony of sorts

I know Ive written about my mom and choices I've had to make but right now I'm going to give kind of a testimony to something good, a learning experience , I guess a life moment that I just thought about while laying in the hammock on the back porch crying yet again.

Most people when they talk of their childhood they smile and share family moments with a mom and dad and continue on in their lives remembering these wonderful days. Playing outside or just being a kid. I don't have many memories of this nature, yes I do have a few of things like, when the street light came on I had to be home, playing cards and music with my parents and other adults and even playing a sport, being on a team, I just never got the chance to finish or even get a picture with school. Anyway people will say how great their parents were and knew they were loved.

Here's my testimony of that. I knew my dad loved me in his own way and my mom did to but not like normal parents. I actually grew up hating my mom, not wanting to be around her and even wishing her dead. She was never a mom as people have memories about. So to have to take care of someone that you don't like, though down deep I figure I did, having to be at their beck and call most my life was never something I wished for. Then to have my mom get sick and hurt after my dad died, well it was all up to me for sure then. 

Ok back to the hammock, I couldn't understand why I was crying, why I hurt this bad to place my mom in assisted living, in a safe place. I should be happy right? No, because I found a few years ago that I love her, I forgave her and my heart took her in as my child. I've felt responsible for her for so long that I don't know how to let someone else do that, and again it's because God taught me forgiveness, understanding and a lot of patience to care for someone that I didn't want to care for. God knew I needed to love someone besides my kids of course with out conditions,  whether they loved me or not. I do feel she loves me, we may only hug every so often and she tells me she loves me more then she did before, which means a lot especially if she says it first. 

I have learned through trial that God will teach you more if you allow Him to, if you open your heart to the idea of loving someone no matter what. 

I've told my friends to remind me I'm doing the right thing, I sure need reminding. My head knows this is true but my heart tells me NOO, don't do it and I cry. I realize this will help my mom and me. Isn't it funny how God works, smh.. Letting go is hard with your kids and also my mom. Even right now I cry, I worry, about her. See God provided away for me to have strength in away I never thought possible. I like knowing, even if I'm irrated, that it  doesn't mean I don't love. So my testimony in short would be, stay focused on positive even though it seems impossible, because the impossible happens.