My house

Sitting up later then everyone sometimes gives my brain time for thinking

I've quieted and now can be still to hear and learn something

As I went to my kitchen to check the door and put dishes up I smiled because it was my kitchen

I know where things go and I love looking out my window in there

I look around this small house of ours and I smile 

It's mine, there are memories in every room, some good some not so good

Like the time my daughter and I didn't leave our bathroom for like twelve hours

Sickness and health touched us then

Laughter and tears

But I love my house

My hubby my father in law and myself built it

The two of us hanging sheet rock, and I smile

Love sweat and tears, my hubby worked day and night for us

A lot of time spent inside and out of our house

I know it has many things that need fixin

But guess what I still smile because it's mine

Mis matched walls , different colored floors and holes in places

Still it's comfortable, broke in furniture but great for napping

I think back to raising my kids in this house

Marks on sons wall for growth, a sign on his door that says danger

And it really is still that way 

Slamming doors, to their head in my lap to rub when they felt bad

A few new door glasses because weed eaters are mean

Scratches from loved pets on beds to dirty boot marks

My house might need a coat of paint but it's still my smurf house

It keeps me warm and cool and comfortable

Through heartache and hugs my house has always been welcoming to me

It's funny how a house can hold so many memories

But it does

From my son and I dancing in the kitchen to late night talks with my daughter

To arguments with hubby then talking past his bedtime

From our sweet missy dog passing away in our living room

And late night prayers because of sickness or bad dreams

To back porch hammock looking at the stars and fire building when it's cold

I love my house and all it has given me even with its age

It's mine and I smile:)

I think that's how I am with my self and its house

I've had to learn that it's ok to, it holds heartache , sickness, pain and love

But it's still standing, maybe a little creeky but filled with memories

Still holding its own and smiling:)

Show love now

            

Don't wait to  talk to me more after I'm gone 

Bring me flowers now 

Hug me everytime you can

Because I won't be here forever 

God has plans for me

My first plan was to take care of you 

Hug you listen to you and make your life as good as I could

Now to make my years great

Let me hear your voice 

Let me know you need me sometimes

Show me you love me

I'm waiting all the time to just hear from you

I can't be in your life every day I can't make all things good for you 

but I can hug you and let you know it will be ok

So sometimes I would love this from you

I carry you in my heart as you do mine

I smile with every beat at the thought of you

Please smile when you think of me, then I'll know I did good 

When I'm not here

I will watch over you with smiles

I will say that's my child

And when I hear I miss you and I love you

I will hold those words in a hug so tight that the love will squeeze out and fall on you

We are not promised tomorrow like all the poems say

But we are promised love

Love me as I have loved you and we will create memories we can hold to

Dear diary moment of venting

Oh my goodness, so much going on in my head. You read any media and people going back and fourth on this Paris tragedy, Isis and the refugees. Everyone has a opinion. I have my own and I just think it's crazy and scary. I've read so much and I've wanted to comment but chose not to for fear of not coming across well. I do think some of the people who claim to know God are fooling themselves. They will say things such as, God wouldn't want us to be mean or it wouldn't be Christian of us to help these people. So I was thinking, tables turned, they wouldn't want us in their city, not really. Also people keep saying how innocent the folks are that are in the middle of this, who will be killed, this is harsh but in past wars there were casualties of war. I don't wish for all this fighting, but we are suppose to protect ourselves. I read a friend of mine's blog, she put it so nicely. Would you let in these people if they were at your door, into your home with your family? Especially with the bad people at their heals. We can't even help our homeless or our vets, what makes everyone think we can help these refugees? I don't get it. If we were being as Isis here, don't you think they would be trying to protect themselves? They don't care who they hurt or how many. Folks are saying we the people the USA don't care, where the heck have you been living, under a rock? We've sent our precious troops to die, to try and teach and to show that we are trying to make things go in a right direction. We are not killing just to kill, they are. You can't say that some of the refugees won't be here to carry out more terror. They are coming from an place they called home, this is not their home. How about help the folks here? 

I'm so sick of people putting down a Christians belief, first it's not a religion, it's a way of life, it's a way that helps'most' live a life of honesty, of caring, of love and yes a way to show God through us. Folks throw this in our face like its a bad thing. Just because I believe in God and that one day I will meet Him, and just because I show this in my words and life doesn't mean I can't stand against what I feel is wrong as a person. Just because I may vote a certain way doesn't mean I hate others. Has nothing to do with region. It's just the way I chose to believe. If I'm wrong I will find out with every other person living this life, but if I'm right, I feel sorry for those who made fun or put down the ways of God. 

I'm so far from perfect but I know what I believe. God didn't make us stupid, we choose to be that way. Our world has gone to hell, excepting of everything and everyone. We can love all but hate their sin, why is this so bad to say? The ones saying to help, go help, stop complaining about us Christian folk and go be at the front door waiting to bring them home. The saying right is wrong and wrong is right has come to pass. We do need leaders who believe in God, I'm not saying using that for the only reason, but maybe just maybe they can give people a little hope. This country needs hope it needs a little faith in someone to keep us going because the world will get worse. I can't see why it's right for those who don't go to church or claim to know God can have all the say and that they are the only ones trying to help. Well that's just crap!! Faith has always been around and it's what has got a lot of people through, it's what has been around longer and the faith believing folks are just trying to hold on to something that means the world because all others are taking everything else away. People need to stop and think before speaking.

A caterpillar

The years in my life weren't always colorful

Not anything bright not really a sparkle

Things I knew I loved or brought me joy

Where animals and music and that's my story

Struggles of a different kind in my mind kept me at a slower pace

Just like the caterpillar taking its time not in a race

Slow and easy with a sweetness slightly hidden

In my closed space, God was doing my biding

See a caterpillar you may notice but not see much at first

Till it has been sheltered and freed from its curse

It took a longer time for change to come to me

To cover the outside and let the inside be freed

Confused and plain with my childlike love

I'm becoming more to see, covered by this glove

The cacoon I was in opened my mind and heart

Brought rainbows, smiles, forgiveness that can never depart

The little caterpillar in me

Brought a little clarity you see

Taught me we have to go through changes and even cry

Be closed up then good with saying bye

Because it's takes time to become a beautiful butterfly..

Forgiveness is for us, think about it

The last few weeks so many memories have to come to my mind about my mom. This morning she calls before six thinking her clock says ten. I get irritated and say mom, it's still dark, look at your clock  then she sees its 5:59. Anyway after the short talk I get busy with my household stuff and start to think how she was not meaning to call so early, though I was irritated, she was not. Months ago she would have been especially when I said, mom look outside, check your phone clock, in a not normal voice. 

Most my life my mom has not been my mom, as a lot of people know. She was always mean, cursed all the time, called me names, was jealous of me, caused trouble for me, tried to have me arrested, and numerous other not so good things. I didn't like her let alone love her. I was always hurt that she wasn't a mom I needed. I always said, I'd never have kids because of her and a few other reasons. There were times I'd wish her to die, please get out of my life and of course the only thing that came of that was, she always needed me. Really!? I don't want to help you, I don't want to care but there's was no one, only me. I would say after I was saved that God only let them have me so there would be someone to care for them, my parents. I would question what did I do to be put on this earth for them. 

Through insecurity, homelessness, going hungry, living at times in the Salvation Army, living in a car, being with other supposedly adults who cared and molestation, how come I have to still take care of someone who did not take care of me? Hmm. My intire life with my mom was always a chore, always trying to keep her happy for fear of getting into trouble. I never wanted to cause more turmoil. 

Anyway, I said all this because, I have been thinking. Through all of this, though many times I didn't see, God kept me strong, He taught me what real forgiveness was, what real patience is and how to love someone who was not lovable. He put something inside me that made me want to care. He gave me tears lots and lots of them. He gave me a good heart, and I really don't know how it's not a hard heart, except God. 

Good news comes to those who wait. This is funny in a way. I don't always like waiting especially since I've waited fourty eight years to here my mom say and I think now she means it, I love you honey:) I say it first but it is a wonderful sound. She has said it before maybe once every two or three months, but now every day. Last week she hugged me on her own and kissed my check:) she looks at me when she talks now. I know it took the right people, the right medication but at least I'm learning to let go of the bad past stuff with Her and just enjoy her being happy and happy with me. If you have a mom who already wants to hug you and not let go, please let them. I'm a daughter who is loving hugs from my mom. Kind of silly but of course I'm crying writing this and smiling. Years and years of just wanting a piece of my mom to show up, and it has. I know now when my mom meets Jesus, I will miss her because I love her and I really do now want her happy. 

I've learned mental illness was it her fault, I've learned she has a kind heart, especially for animals or stuffed animals. She thinks like a child and I had to learn to be her mom for a stage in my life. I guess really I learned to be a mom, caring for my own mom. Go figure.

I continue to care for her, not everyday now since she lives in a wonderful place that does these things for her. I've seen many changes in my mom, some not good. She has started in this dementia stage and forgets a lot, but it's ok, right now I remember, her calling me fifteen times a day just to say she ate or got a good shower or even just to check on me. 

Folks hug your moms, let him hug you, there's not always another time. I waited fourty eight years to fill a real hug from my mom, don't wait for years. If your mom has passed remind others of this. Forgiveness is huge and it's true, it's not for them it's for us. Hug someone and mean it:)

Ok God ..

While I was driving the other morning I was talking to God as normal, but this time I was kind of yelling, asking why and telling Him things He already knew of course. Then I preceded to say since you already know these things why should I keep praying about them? Why, because I don't understand all the things that are going wrong. I was even blaming God since He does allow things to happen. 

Lord I've asked, begged, pleaded to where I feel it hasn't made a difference. I sure was on a roll. I told God I fear if He doesn't respond soon I will never get back to a good place. I've been precise in my prayers and not asking for wants, I've tried to be careful with that. If you God can see all, why are you allowing this these things to go on? Are you punishing me? Am I not faithful enough? Do I not give you the praise when I see all you've done? I know you have answered many prayers but now I'm thinking you have me in a time out. Have I tried to do to much on my own? From my point of view I can't just sit after I've prayed, I have to actually write out a check, pay a bill or take care of others while not asking for myself, so I have to do something even when I'm not sure. I know I've been forgiven because you God said when I asked it would be done. I guess though forgiveness doesn't mean we still don't have to go through stuff. We are not promised roses and sunshine everyday. 

Again though Lord, I'm falling apart, my life inside where my soul lives is dying, I have tremedious sorrow, my insecurity has overtaken me and my smile hides it all. I feel I don't care as I used to so this may be a reason I have to wade in my troubles. I've heard not to go on feelings, well sometimes you do. Your heart has to feel something before it can love or care. You have to feel it beat out of your chest at times to go to the alter. If I didn't go on my feelings at times, I would stop crying, stop caring and I probably wouldn't choose you. 

On my last leg as people say. For me I need something from you today, I need to know there is someone out there who cares enough to love me through this. To tell me it's going to be ok and even someone to realize my need is important to. Dear God I need to be lead, and comforted. I need to know that to want things just a little easier is not so bad, to want to live a happier life with less stress. I really don't think that's to much to ask for. God I am thankful for all you let me see, all the wonderful colors and having my mom be a joy and say I love you to honey. 

I've even thought, I'm not going to pray, I'm not going to talk to you God. Before I know it, I'm talking to Him. It's in me. Dear God I know I'm not a good child of yours, I know I haven't been trusting enough. Well anyway, 45 min later, I say ok God I need relief. I wait I listen and nothing. 

Later that night God informs me, I have one important prayer answered, my mom hugging me and saying she loves me. I'm thinking, true but God! Then before I fall asleep I learn its ok to want my family happy I just can't do it by myself. Gods time is not ours, I'm thankful I have a heart that cares. I believe my tears show that I love which helps me care more. If that was gone I truly would be lost. 

I continue to remind God of His word, I continue to have a small seed of faith and I'm living on my hope right now that all will be ok, I just have to hold on a little longer. My struggle is real, my sorrow is my shadow but I still have my piece of thread, though thin, I'm holding on. Whatever offering we can give, and I don't mean just money, God sees the effort. I noticed once I got it out, even in anger, God still sent me a thought and a little more strength, that day.. The least I can do is love enough to care.

My Tears

Every morning I walk outside to take my dog out and always look to the sky and do my best to be thankful. This morning was hard for me but it never should be. I didn't sleep well had to many things running through my head and a thought kept bothering me. My tears. I'm a cryer. I woke up just needing to cry. I felt my heart was just so full of feelings and they had to come out. 

I have written down my thoughts, feelings or whatever for as long as I can remember. I still do but some things I choose to share just for the reason that there may be someone who feels like I do and want them to know its ok.

Yeas ago I asked God to take my tears away and He did. I didn't feel the same, I didn't cry much at all and I wasn't me. I tried to be uncaring, didn't hug others much and just tried not to be bothered with feelings. I was miserable. After a few years I asked God for them back and I also said I was sorry because I feel like that was one of my gifts from Him. Welł guess what, if your blessed enough to receive your gift back, God gives it tenfold. I just thought I cried before.

Welł to today I cry at everything. I can look at my beautiful kids and my love just flows out my eyes. I can look at the sky and know I have much to be thankful for and cry. I cry with people or for people. It's like my heart overflows and the feelings got to come out. I cry if I'm happy or sad. I can see where my family would think, oh no moms going to cry. I just can't help it. I can't even hug my daughter without crying. I'm going to just lightly hug her and let go then I won't. One day if they are ever a parent they will see. I cry at just writing this, just at the thought of them. I cry when I pray..a lot.

Anyway, my thought from earlier is that I think God gives us all something to share, and I think it's my heart. It feels up and I cry. People would think me sad and yes sometimes but I cry with joy to. 

I had thought about asking God to hold back a little on my tears so I don't cry so much but I'm afraid if I do I won't be me. Those who know me well, know I will cry. 

So today though it's with saddness I am thankful for my tears. It's a way to cleanse my soul, to keep my heart from aching so much. To its for health reasons, you know what happens if you stifle your tears? You get a terrible headache. So headache verses tears well I'm gonna let them flow. I may walk away but I'll be crying. If there is anyone who feels this way, just thank God and except you have a big heart, and just cry, it's ok.

Mustard seed

A few nights ago I had read scripture that reminded me of having faith and how much. I had been reading about the mustard seed. For a long time I would think wow, a mustard seed is so tiny and that's all the faith I need. Hmmm all God asks is simply the faith as a tiny mustard seed. I can do that.

Then after I got to thinking, and thinking and pondering more, I realized I needed to have more then just this little seed for me because I want to be more bolder and stronger in God. Well guess what, this tiny seed if it's planted will grow up so strong and tall. So if I pray, read Gods word and continue to do the best I can, I will use my faith and my seed will grow. It will grow so big that it will fill my body to where my faith and trust in my Lord will have no room for doubt. I love this! I have never thought this before. It was always, all you need is the faith of a mustard seed, which is true, but the more you believe, trust and use this faith it grows. I know I said this already but I'm so excited at a new way to understand. I have said when I've had my doubts, I need more faith, I would question so much which would almost allow doubt to win. But hey, my seed has grown over the years, and I know it. I know that when I hear someone put Gods Miracles down, I'm saddened but also I'm reminded that I believe. 

I know my seed is not as it should be and I'm ashamed I haven't fertilized it well. I know it's there though it has not died, it is going to reach its full potential one day. 

I also didn't know just how big a mustard seed could get and how strong they are. So when I start to allow some doubt in I will be reminded of my previous growing seed that I don't want it's growth stunted. It's funny how God chooses to show me things, but we all learn in different ways. I need a strong faith especially in these days. It scares me to think I might not have enough. I pray that the little mustard seed I started with will continue and maybe drop more seeds so I can be prepared for whatever comes next. You know God could of asked for something so much bigger but He doesn't ask much from us so this seems fitting. Remember every time, you do anything for God, you do what's right that wonderful seed grows.

Learning to be me

I am trying to learn that being by myself is a good thing. I find that I search for things to do just to keep my mind occupied. It's in the idle times or even quiet times when I let my mind wonder from here to there. I try to fix my problems or others, I worry I stress and then I get mad at myself for doing that. I've been so used to doing, saying or thinking what I believe others need from me that I've forgotten how to do it for myself. Finding who I am or whom I'd like to be is a little difficult. I have a lot of quiet time and it's not always beneficial to anyone. The devil knows when and how to plant things in our view, he sits in waiting to conquer our minds. One thing though, I'm learning to stop him in his tracks because I'm learning to be thankful in my idle time. Problems are going to always be here and I certainly can't fix them but I can do my best to lean more towards God. I really need this to because I have found out that I'm not the best at being the Godly person I need to be. I do feel sorry for others and I don't want them hurt but I have also realized I don't like people like I used to. I've given others the benefit of the doubt for years and usually few surprise me. So I'm working on thinking better of others and trying to understand that I can't fix them, I can't make them think like me and I can't do magic to make them better, I can only be me and hope that some little something in me comes out so God and others knows I'm trying to be a better child of God. It matters to me how people are and I overthink how I should be so they will want to talk to me, or ask me to help or just know I'm a good person, and I am. I will say I have good traits, I love so much and my heart overflows daily with it. God did give me a caring heart and I hope it shows. So in my quiet time I'm working on myself. I want to here God say to me one day " well done my child " you fought the fight and you endured till the end. This is what needs to stay in my mind, this is what I will fight the devil with. I can only be me. I'm so far from perfect and so far from being all God wants me to be. I'm learning. I allow so much junk to hinder me, I allow what others do to bring me down and make me sad, I allow it. It's so easy to look at the bad, to hold on to what's wrong and who did what to us, that we forget there is so much good. I'm thanking God everyday for one special thing for sure, my heart and my tears. God gives us all something in us that we can share, what is yours? What do you do in your quiet time? As God says whatsoever is good think on these things:)

New news to my heart

For awhile now I have had a certain scripture on my mind. One I have read and heard of numerous times. I've always had a understanding of what I thought it meant, and I still do just a reaffirmed view I think. The scripture is praying without ceasing, 1 Thes 5:17. For me this means just a constant prayer in your heart throughout the day. Rather it be just a thank you or a person that comes to mind and you pray. It's automatic, you just start talking to God without thinking. I do this all the time, yes sometimes I am talking to myself but I include God with my thanksgiving. 

Which brings me to my other point with this scripture. I have been praying the same prayer, just nearly word for word about my mom to God. I'm sure after a few months He knows what I'd like or how I want my prayer answered, He's God, doesn't really need reminding. Well anyway, one day while praying, Lord please let my mom have a peace, let her know all is good and she is ok, and not be sad. Well as I'm saying this prayer it's like God says, I know what your mother needs, my will, will take care of her, but these words are for you. WOW!! Amazing and true. I needed just what I have been praying for my mom. Now I just say thank you for my mom and God whatever your will, I will be ok. See He had answered my prayer I just wasn't listening. The Lord uses not only people, dreams, His word but He also uses our words, if we will just take a moment and be silent. 

I had read about how kids remind their parents of what they need over and over when the parent knows what their needs are. I do remind God of His word, not sure that I need to but I do. I believe if we hand over to Him what our need is and allow Him to work and just say thank you, we will be ok. It's very hard for me because I want to help God, I want in my time but this is not how God works. So I feel a constant prayer, or just a simple thank you God is our way of making our hearts stronger for Him, it gives us more faith and also helps us to listen. 

I drive and thank God for so many things, I look out my window and just thank Him for my eyes, I look at pictures and I'm so thankful for the people in them. Sometimes what we think others need is exactly what we need. I still want peace for my mom, but I know God knows this now. I'm learning it for myself some to. When we pray without thinking to pray, this is a conversation with our Lord, this is my praying without ceasing. I'm not saying stop praying for what you need/ want, I'm just saying make sure you thank God and take time to listen. This has brought new news to my heart. God knew I needed this opened in a new way to me, each of us learn or understand things differently that's what makes us, we'll us.  

Don't let the world distract you

I have learned that speaking your opinion on social media is usually not good because it will be taken wrong. We all have a strong belief in something and we take up or stand behind it even when it doesn't seem to make since. So many things just this morning that just got my mind going that I probably can't even put it all out correctly but I'm going to try. First off this is my blog, so it's my words and no one has to agree with it, shoot you don't have to read it. I call it my therapy and it really helps me without fear of someone accusing me of being wrong or saying I'm judging. 

From all my years of reading the Bible, listening to preachers and doing my very best to listen to God, I have learned that sometimes we have to do things that are hard or that people don't agree with. There are so many issues right now that I know at some point Nothing of any value will matter, all morals will just go away because people believe everything is ok. 

If we love God we are suppose to stand firm in His word and as this world gets worse it's just going to get harder. We talked in Sunday school how before long what we do and say about God will get us put in jail. Why is it people thinks this is ok? Like the lady who stood for not signing papers for gay couples to get married. One thing at least she stood her ground for her values. Yes since she worked there that was her job and I suppose that broke the law. She went to jail, but I do think it was great people stood for her, they stand for taking the flag away, they stand for their pride in whatever it may be, we as those who love God should do the same. I saw where one said, don't break the law, well we all break the speed limit, we have under age drinking so many ways people break the law, and choose to. 

I know when I worked at selling crystals, I didn't say anything about God unless someone asked if I believed in them, then it was opened up for me to say no, only the man that created the rock can heal. It was my job to sell them but I didn't have to agree with why they bought them. It makes me sick that no matter what comes out of our mouths we have to fear offending someone. Well I'm sure I will offend, but if you believe the Bible you have to believe it all, not just take parts out to make you feel better. I don't agree with gay marriage, I do believe the Bible, between a man and a women. Yes, I know people who are gay, I love them but I don't agree with them, just as they don't agree with me. I think respect has been lost, no one cares who gets hurt and all because the excuse is, the world is changing. Well guess what, God hasn't. One day whether you believe or not, God will come back and you will see first hand the truth. God loves us all and wants the best for us, He wants us happy but not if it means the world is more important then Him. 

I had said to a friend the other day, that I guess I'm prejudice because it makes me mad and sad that everything is always about race. If I don't want to be around you sometimes it's just because I don't want to be around you, not because of your color. Just because I like the rebel flag doesn't mean I should belong to the kkk, I live in the country and I've never thought anything but hunting, fishing, mudslinging, and just proud to be southern. Things that actually mean something to people is being belittled, made fun of or made to be disgraced. Just as they did to Christ. 

Even on certain tv shows they bleep out Jesus' like its a bad word. One day everyone will be calling on this name and it just might be to late. I only hope I can be strong enough to stand through everything that is coming because it's going to get worse. You can say you know God, or I love Jesus, but you have to do something about it. The things we like we share, the things we love we hold them tight, we participate in the lives of those we love. We can't play church, remember God knows your heart and if your right with Him you will know it. Life and this world is a big distraction, don't let it be so attractive that you let go of what's most important. I do have some fear of this world but God is on my side to help me endure till the end. 

A different journey now

I haven't written in a while now because of to much going on. My mind is so full that I told someone today that my stress has stress and I gave the first stress a pill that might calm the second stress, makes since to me :). Today as I sat next to my mom doing a word search I would glance at her from time to time and would think, this women is my mom whom I think as my child in a since. 

My life is a journey as everyone else's. We start off being taken care of then and end up being taken care of again. I became a caregiver way to early in life, but sometimes things are chosen for us even under duress. I became a wife and continued to learn to be a different kind of caregiver, then a mom which is the ultimate way to give of yourself in so many ways, not to mention what you choose to give up for your children, moms are just awesome that way. Then again I start to be a caregiver in another different way to my mom again. I guess this must be something I'm suppose to do. Things choose us we don't choose them sometimes. Not sure but God must think I'm capable even when I don't think so. He chooses the unqualified to do jobs you'd never think you could do. 

I think this is one of the hardest jobs ever. Your heart will either be torn apart or overfilled with emotions and at times overwhelmed. I think it takes a big good heart to really do a good job at seeing to someone else's needs instead of your own. Moms do this everyday. I was asked today to read a article about who I am. I wrote slightly about this awhile back and my answer was unsure. Well who I am is a mom who loves her kids more then any words can describe, a mom who will go out of her way to help them, to hug them, to scold them or just smile and give them my love. I am a wife who is far from perfect, who could be better at being a wife to someone who works hard for me everyday. I am a daughter to a mom that doesn't understand that true meaning but I love her anyway. I'm a daughter in law to a family I love and we may bicker but I'm pretty good at being a part of them. I am a friend, not to many but those who know me knows I'm here if they need me. I'm a child of God, which is something no one can take away from me,they can throw stones but Gods word tells me I'm His and that is all that matters. I'm under the law of unconditional love as long as I'm His, and that's how I feel towards the ones I care for. I love them without conditions. I know before especially from my mom, I wanted her to love me, but my journey was to learn how to love someone that didn't show love to me, and I conquered that one. I learned through my kids that you have to say your sorry and it will help you grow as a person. 

I feel I'm on another journey now. I different kind of road that I'm not really sure where it goes. My mom is being cared for more by someone else and now that journey at some point will have a end. My daughter is getting married in a few days and this starts a new journey for her and me. My son is older and doing more on his own which leaves me with my hubby and I to figure out, ok what's next? I still have the caregiver nature, I'm sure that will always be there. It just may show in a different form. I'm a little afraid of this new journey but as the seasons change so do we and our situations. 

The year gives us four seasons and I believe God has us go through a season of change, difficulty or the idea of not being sure who or what we are, but He also gives us a choose on how to go through these seasons or journeys, With Him or without. I've tried them both and Im here to say, even through much hardship my journey with God surpasses anything else that doesn't include God. I may not be ready for what's next but at least I know who has my back, and He is unmovable.

Our hands

I think we all have things we notice in others from eyes to whatever. I notice different things to but I always look at people's hands. This is a part of the body that is used constantly. I think this is a special part that we forget about. Our hands can do so much and show our lives and how we are.

What made me think of this was at church, hands can show love to others, while holding a lovely ladies hands and sharing a moment with her, I held her hands. Love just comes through. When someone walks by and just places a hand on your shoulder, it's showing they care. Our hands work so hard everyday and there are some of us whose hands have a hard time with everyday tasks. 

I love when my daughter puts her small sweet hand in mine or my son with his big hands just cover mine, I feel love and I smile. My husband will pat my hand or for fun will hold the end of my finger which is sweet. Just think about all the touches you have recieved with love. To me it's just like a hug, if you don't feel it don't do it. I like real hugs, I like holding hands of those I love. Lida Harper is one of my favorites, she just exudes love. The one lady that made me think of this was Mary Nell, just a simple touch that just gave comfort meant so much. Like the Bible says, laying on of hands. We need healing, let's pray and place our loving hands on them. 

I know this my sound odd but this is me not always normal, hands can show so much love or do harm. I prefer to show love. In someone's hands you can tell that time has worked them hard. I noticed the other day that Anthony's hands look like his dad's. Same shape and same memory of hard work. Our hands are a great use of goodness. I know when I don't have words to say I can hug you or place my hand in yours to show I care. I'm a touchy feely person anyway but in a good way. Sometime pay attention to someone's hands and how they use them. See how much love you feel through them. Today I'm thankful for my hands. I can rub my child's head or back, I can wipe a tear as a friend did for me, Tracy Noles and I can shake a hand to meet or invite someone in. If the hand of God is everywhere maybe it's our hands He's using. Have a great day.

Smile at what we cannot see

I've decided watching the news is bad very bad because it's never good. We all know how ugly our world is getting, how people are treating one another and how bad it's going to get, well if your a christian you know this. There are so many many things that we cannot comprehend that is coming our way or things we will have to endure till our Lord comes for us but I have one thought in my mind that brought me to a smile today, heaven.

I have so many awesome thoughts in my head how Heaven will be, I can picture all the things that I hope it is and things and people I hope to see. None of us really can grasp how spectacular it's going to be. I know in my vision I can't wait see to Jesus face to face. When I think about it, I hope I can look at Him but out of reverence I will want to bow my head. I know that God knows what we like, what gives us joy and I believe we will have all of it there. My favorite idea of Heaven, next to meeting Jesus in His home that becomes mine, is my cabin by the lake with my family and a porch all the way around. I will be able to enjoy what God has created all around me. I will be able to hear all the stories I've read about from the first ones who followed our Savoir, who touched Him first and I will be able to do the same. I will get to hear all the singers gone on singing praises to our God, first hand. 

I know here on earth there is beauty, there are great singers and I have a relationship with God, but the right in my face kind of day is coming, all the beauty that now as a human I see, I will see so much more that  my eyes couldn't even handle it now, to the praise that will cover my body and mind to where I'm overtaken by such bliss. Not to mention to sit at the feet of Jesus with the knowing, I made it, I endured I was steadfast till the end. What a feeling that has never been felt before except from the blessed ones who have gone on before us. 

Since God created this beautiful world, well eye has not seen what will be seen by His chosen. Clear crystal sparkling waters, emerald green of grass and trees, the bluest of blues not yet even conceived yet and such tranquility that our cups will just be overflowed. Oh my goodness at the blessing awaiting us if we only stay strong and believe. We will have supper with our Father and have our ultimate healing. I hope I can continue my walk with courage and show I love God and not just use words. The devil knows the scripture to and I don't want to just know it I want to walk the best I can. I know mistakes will happen, my road my be bumpy and life gets in the way at times, but I have to endure till the end because I know the end of the story.

Wishy washy

I think I should call this Lisa's diary therapy blog just because I keep writing how I feel or what happened on the day. Today's therapy will be called wishy washy. My last blog was about letting things go and realizing how strong I am and to talk myself into thinking that I'm worth it. Well I lost that battle, I went from 0 to 60 in less then a day. 

I had been praying for a friend and myself with a situation and I was more or less begging God for a sign. Send me a dream, scripture or something and then I got this thought. These drive me crazy. Well it was a question. Who is Lisa? I couldn't answer it. I wanted to say a proud child of God, a prayer warrior and stand up kinda gal. But nope, nada, I thought all negative stuff. Now to be truthful, I am stronger then I've given myself credit for but sometimes being nice is not so nice. I do allow others to use or walk all over me because I don't want to make waves or hurt feelings. I hold things in way to long to where I make myself sick. I care for others more then myself and sometimes I want to be selfish and not care at all. I have heard or have been taught through the years that everyone has some kind of talent. Something to give or share with others and at first I thought it was what I wrote. It's not that, I'm not good at always saying things right or being correct in my grammar and those things I dont care about. I thought maybe my talent was caring for people because of my mom and my family, right now I don't know this to be true. Maybe it's just being here to listen, I can do that and I'm not always judgmental but even that I'm not sure about. Who is Lisa? Well the obvious thing, I am a caregiver, a mom, a wife and a friend. I know I'm far from being good all the time, I know I'm needy at times but I will say I have a big heart. I truly care. Down side to that, my feelings are all over my sleeve and they get hurt often. 

I don't want to be used but I want to be needed, I would really like for others to know I need them as they need me. I'm scared quite often, confused and I don't know where to turn latley, but I am trying to pay more attention to what I do have and not what I don't . I'm a little lazy because I haven't cared enough for myself and I want to break that. It's funny that what we are around we become. So I guess Lisa is, well a little lost right now, she's trying to find her way and find herself. 

When you are used to being ran over you just keep running with the traffic, like that dog chasing a car, they never learn till they catch it, make contact then the consequences are brutal. I'm striving to let out what's hiding on the inside to come out and face the world, no more pretending like everything's ok. Anyone who knows me knows I hate pretenders . I think if I ever won the lottery ( gotta buy a ticket for that) anyway if I did, I would pay someone to make my decisions and carry my purse. I'm tired of doing both those things. It's a wonder I can even think my poor mind is so full. If I was to give the devil credit, it would be that he has done a job on my mind, but I'm not giving him credit because I don't want to make it easy for him to make me week. 

Therapy good, thinking bad, so now hopefully sleep will be my little bit of peace. Advice, get to know yourself and be happy with you. It shouldn't be in the control of another person. Nite all, push through the ceiling with your prayers.

Damed up

There was a story in Sunday school that described exactly how I have been feeling, actually is was more of a sentence. It used as a example a dam holding all the water back. Well this is me, I have said I feel like I could explode as in scream , cry, yell all my emotions in one. It is like a dam, and if the dam breaks, what happens? For some strange reason I feel like this is what needs to happen to me, let the waters flow till there's nothing left. 

You know this could be how Jesus must feel. All this awfulness in the world is building and one day the dam will break, God will allow everything that is not of Him to be swept away, nothing left. I have let so much slide, I have allowed myself to be hurt, I've made myself feel like I'm not important enough only because I feel others are more important or I feel unworthy, like for all my wrongs God is punishing me. I can't blame others for not caring for me, I can't be sad over friends, I can't allow myself anymore to live for others and not myself. I have pushed all my issues, troubles, hurts and pains to the side because I don't want to burden people or I feel they really don't care. This has been my way of thinking for so long that it needs to stop.

I can't make others like me, talk to me or make time for me unless they actually want to. I can't make decisions under duress anymore or because I'm afraid of making the wrong one for fear of hurting someone else. God says I matter and I have to believe this. My sanity needs to believe this. 

I guess my dam is breaking down, it's seeping through and there will be a lot of loss. You know something else, there's always casualties when you make changes or just choose a different way. I have felt alone by myself for so long, I've even felt far from God because my hurt seems endless. I know at some point it will get better, sooner then later I hope but till then, I can't worry that I cry every day or if it bothers someone, I can't be sad over changes in my life because it will over take me and I can't keep worrying about hurting others feelings all the time, I can't make everyone happy and from my experience they can't make me happy, they can help but that's it. 

Being damed up will cause destruction and decay sometimes breaking is the only way to rid yourself of dirty stagnet clutter. I love water and I would hate for something I love to carry my life away.

Satan comes to destroy

All day today I have been in prayer because of concern over the way we humans treat each other . It's pretty sad that we allow junk to enter in where it doesn't belong and instead of throwing it out we stay and dwell with it instead of facing it straight on and calling it what it is. Satan comes only to kill, steal and destroy. He will use whom ever or whatever to ruin lives, to force conflict with good friends, to divide churches, to tear apart anything that resembles goodness. 

We humans are a target for this snake, he slithers in and pretends to be on our side while the whole time scheming to destroy what he can. It's so sad that we can't recognize right off who or what may befriend us and hurt us at the same time. When something is going to good the devil plots till he wins. 

I'm happy to know the very end where he losses bad, but right now we need to fight harder then him and take back our victory because we have it in Jesus. We are stronger and we are capable when the Lord God is on our side. 

I pray that people will get theirselves out of the way and see who matters most. It's not us, it's getting people to know God. There is so much bad in the world that I don't understand why people can't put others first, be more understanding and seek the the truth. Remember the devil plays his game very well, don't let him play you. 

Folks get hurt and nobody wants to be responsible for that, it's always someone else. Be brave, be strong enough to admit you are human and you fail. We all do, but we need to realize God is first and He will help us correct our wrongs. Let's talk face to face, let's mean what we say and remember no one is better or higher up then anyone else. God wants us to love others, not break them, not talk about them or make false accusations. I have said, by experience, if you didn't hear it from the person yourself or see it, well maybe it wasn't true. I want it straight, not here say. God sees and hears all anyway. 

Let's not let the devil win, let's show him how strong we are. God knows the truth and that is what matters. Trust those who have earned your trust and let all others go. Grab hold of those who love you and let them help you grow. Our gut feeling is right, well I know mine is. I think that's Gods way of telling us what to choose, who to talk to and when to shut up. Again remember what the Devils job is, he is the instigator and will use whomever or whatever he can. Recognize and move forward. 

The unexpected is the best blessings

On my drive home this morning so many things were running through my head but there was one thing that has continued to remind me that God has His own time table and sometimes very unexpected. Brings me to something that helped me recently. Actually just gave me a acknowledgement that not everything is understood or necessarily ok until it's ok. 

We expect our friends and family to support us, encourage us and just let us know that it will be ok. I need all this and I don't want to down play it at all, encouragement is great. I'm glad I had  a few to encourage me, tell me I was doing the right thing with my mom. Though I didn't feel like I was and I'm not totally convinced yet. I know in my head it was the right thing. You know how you here, it will be alright, give it time, she'll be better off etc , well you don't know these things, if you haven't had to make a choice like this you don't actually know. Well here's my unexpected thing, a lady from church, who I don't usually have conversations with, we speak but nothing more, came up to me and said the best thing ever. She touched my heart, she didn't pretend to understand, she actually said I don't know what your going through but I'm sure it's hard, she hugged me and said if I need prayer day or night to call. Hmmm, something so unexpected really blessed me. It was a surprise because we expect these kinds of words or actions from those we communicate with all the time. 

I really believe that when God uses people to do His work, when they follow through we get a since of being acknowledged and for me a since of relief. I believe God does the unexpected all the time just so we will pay attention. 

We don't always here what we need to from those around us as we should because sometimes we expect it, we know what they are going to say so we don't really listen. Me I will usually just go with, or say I know or keep praying for me. 

I still smile just because of something that may have been so simple coming from this lady was huge for me. Just knowing she didn't pretend she understood or down played how hard it was for me was words I needed to here. 

Staying planted in what we know is great, unmovable in our belief, but bending with the winds at times is good it strengthens our roots, storms come through and shake us some but we still stand firm, but I will add sometimes not focusing on the same is good ,because sometimes we might miss the unexpected. A wind might blow through to cause you to look a different way and find a new answer, it might ruffle your leaves and cause you to blow in a different direction. I know things will be ok and eventually I will feel better about my decisions but for now knowing it's ok to cry and having people to pray for me and not pretend to get it is good for me. I know God uses His people in all sorts of ways. If ever your heart and soul is telling to say something or just give a hug , do it, this might be the unexpected blessing you needed to give and be the best thing to comfort someone else. 

I know I have said actions are better then words, but you put them together and mean what you say, Gods gonna bless. Thank you to all my family and friends for praying for me and thank you Melissa for being my unexpected smile of relief :)

Show up

There are a lot of things I have failed at and not afraid to admit it. I know for the most part I have learned to not do the same things again. I do know to that I will make more mistakes, hopefully not to many for I hope to see where it could go wrong first.

When I went to visit my mom the other day it was like I understood a few things as I sat listening to her talk. I know for myself I need someone to listen to me, really take a moment of their time to just listen. I know I'm one of those who feel the need to talk about it, whatever it may be till I get it out of my system. Then I'm good. I know I'm not the best at out what others need at times and don't know what to do, but I do listen and try to help. Anyway, sometimes just like my mom , everyone needs someone to just be there, to show up. I know I can pray for the same thing fifty times but I know God is already there. He shows up as soon as we say His name. 

I have allowed people to control my thoughts and hurt my feelings for so long that it's just become natural to think of everyone but myself. You know what though, I'm learning it's ok to think of myself and not feel to bad that I am. I'm showing up for myself . It's funny how we wait for others to make us happy or make us feel better, when that can't happen, they can help with words of encouragement and prayer but until your ok with yourself no one can make you happy. 

I know I have a big heart and I want to share it. I want people to see I care. I just need now to learn how to move forward without others in my mind. What do I want? What do I need ? I really don't believe this is wrong at all. With prayer I believe God will give me courage to do what I need to, and help me learn I need me to to like me. Show up for people and show up for yourself . Believe in your ability through God to move mountains even if they are just ant hills right now:)

A time and reason

I have been so busy this morning that I cannot believe my brain just took me somewhere else. I've only had one thing on my mind that has consumed me this week but yet a little reminder comes to me about words I've said. Isn't that funny. 

The other day I saw where someone wrote " I do not believe things happen for a reason" and since I believe this it kind of bothered me not because they disagreed but because for me it gives me reason of sorts. Like if I didn't believe it I don't think I would have as much hope because I know me, I would question everything till I died. I know I may never know a reason for certain things but I do know this. There are things that have happened in my life that of course I wish didn't have to but through them I believe I have a understanding that might help someone else and for this cause I am stronger for it. 

If there were, as I've heard no rhyme or reason, then I would have to go with, there's nothing ever to learn, and God just let it happen for nothing. I can't go there, I need to know in me that no matter what happens, good or bad in my life there was a reason, there was cause if only to make me pay attention.

Of all days today I'm nervous, upset, so very overwhelmed with all I have to do and I still question. Is it the right thing? The Bible talks about your heart not being the best thing to go by, listen to your head. I so understand this. My brain is trying to tell me, it's alright and your doing the right thing, while my heart argues and breaks into. I'm shaking as I write this because of being anxious about the day. 

I'm sure in time and it may not be till I meet God face to face that I will know why certain things happen, but for today I know there is reason and that must mean it will all work together for the good. 

If nothing, I take from this morning I believe God has plans and unless I move forward I will not know what they are. I used to wish I didn't cry so much or my heart was smaller but you know I think this is a good thing. I'm not the best child of God but I try and I only wish others would do the same. I'm not as strong as before but I'm still strong enough. 

Believe what you want but in Ecc 3:1 For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven.

Today is a new season.

Priorities

This blog may come out all jumbled but the three of you that actually read it know how I think so here goes. When I woke up this morning my thoughts were all over the place when usually they are on my mom. One thing kept running through my mind so I knew this was what I needed to write about. The thought was, we show how we care by what we do, not what we say, we show in our actions what's most important to us and its pretty sad when it's ourselves.

This has everything to do with our family, friends and this ugly world of ours. Selfishness and priorities have gotten so bad that I think people can't even see good when it's right in front of them. It scares me a little to see how uncaring the world is toward one another and so selfish in thinking what's important to them is more important then what I deem important. It's crazy how words will rip apart and be taken completely wrong or made to fit what makes their life easier. It's like people don't even have a heart and certainly no respect what what's been around forever. 

Everyone is affended by everything, this is the new trend, if it looks like we can make a issue of it and tear it down lets do it. The last days are here. Even with our own family and friends, we need to stop just talking and do something. Lets not dwell on this garbage in the world, lets look at God, focus on Him and what is good or we will allow what's harmful to get in and hinder us. We have to keep moving forward and praying continually because Christian people know it's only going to get worse, we know the end. Prepare our hearts. 

Also, me personally don't like those who pretend. You don't have to like me or even agree with me, be at least be real. I need to be uplifted I need encouragement, but I don't need someone to make me feel like I can count on you when I can't . Like I said earlier, we show what's important to us. Something from Sunday school touched me, it was about priorities. I need God first, then all else will fall into place. I hope that I've showed I cared enough for the people I'm around, I hope I've showed them enough love and respect without being selfish. It's very hurtful when those you love are selfish and it shows. 

It's the same with this sad world, selfishness has taken over, everything believed to be good and respectful is trashed. Pretty soon nothing will be cherished because it offended someone. I do not believe we are haters at all, those who don't agree with me hurts me because I know what my Lord went through, it's like He doesn't matter, but guess what, when they are left wondering what went wrong, I guess their selfish ways will eat them alive. God loves each and everyone of us, even when we are stupid, but He will punish those that misuse His children and choose other ways of life.  

A simple picture

Oh my goodness where to start. There is so much ugly going on in our world today that I don't want to think of, mostly because I know it's going to get worse. Anywhoo, something that brought a smile to my face is a new blog I'm reading. So lovely, emotional , true and sincere. A man writing about the love of his life while she deals with cancer. One picture he took caught me, it made me stop and think of how special just a simple jester is or the simple caring of another person. This picture spoke volumes. He took a picture of his wife holding their little girl, sitting on the front porch steps watching the sun come up. This was joy to him and showed so much beauty and love. His wife has a beautiful faith and it shows in just the simple things that make her happy.

What's good needs to show and I know it's hard for this to be a first impression, especially when your going through things in your life. I know that laying in my hammock just looking up, makes me smile because I know whose up there watching over me. I know I stare at my kids till they think I'm crazy, but I want to soak them in, I love looking at them, not only because I love them but I'm amazed they came from me. I want my faith and my love to show through, I want people to know I care. I know I can't be everything to everyone but I hope those that see me know they have touched my life in some way. That picture as I said of her was just so beautiful so explosive to me in a way where, we shouldn't have to speak our love it should just show.

I know to with all this craziness going on in our world, it's hurtful. I'm sure God is shaking His head. You know He has warned us, we knew things would get bad, and it has. It bothers me that just because I say I love you and will be praying for you, but I don't agree with what your doing, I'm a hater. Is it not the same what these others are saying. They are standing for what they believe and are against us, doesn't that make them a hater to? Hmmm, I sure wish people could see what's most important. Let me have my belief and you have yours, there is no hate in that. I've taught my kids to stand firm in their beliefs and that's what all others are doing. Now lets move on to what matters.

Spending time with the people you are saying you care about. Picking up the phone to hear their voice, looking at the sky and giving thanks, respecting and not tearing down, staring at your kids or just sitting on the porch watching the flowers grow. The world has a lot of beauty that we take for granted because we are so busy tearing it down. 

I'm proud to be from the south, I don't look at the rebel flag as a sign of slavery, plus don't have to we are reminded by other people who keep bringing it up. No, I'm not for gay marriage, I do have a friend who I love and she always made me smile, she knows she was one of my favorites, but I don't believe in what she chooses, I don't have to, and she doesn't have to agree with me. I hold my belief as she does hers, and guess what, we still care about each other, no hate. We can agree to disagree. I trust in Gods word and I hold that hope and then when my time comes, I'll have my very own front porch to sit with my Lord. People can argue all they want but this is my truth and it doesn't change. 

I have also found another thing that has surprised me that makes me happy, that's my mom. In my thinking it was always, she needs me, who will care for her or just take time to hear her go on and on, well I've learned I need her to, just because she's my mom. So much torment going on in this crazy world, when we need to hold on to today, keep standing firm for God, but still find the joy in today. 

I needed to learn this, I needed to realize I was letting people ruin it for me. Those people that really matter, are the ones who listen even when they don't want to, those that send a simple text to remind you they are thinking of you, I smile about that because I don't need a lot. Just think on this man who is finding such joy in just watching his wife enjoy her life, which may be taken away. So do something, just say you will, do it. Find something that brings joy and hold it in your mind, then smile:)

Sharing is caring

This post is a little Radom I think but this is my therapy. You know when people get sick or they have to have surgery or anything that might hurt them, sometimes they don't share, they keep it secret. I'm one of these people and I was thinking I do it because I don't want to worry those who care about me. I can remember a friend of mine was a little irritated at me because I didn't tell her when I hurt my leg and I had said, I didn't want to worry you because you had so much going on and I was fine. It hurt her because she cares for me. So while caring for my mom I was reminded of a few things. Those who love us, want to know so they can pray or help. I know I want to know for these reasons. Also when someone we care about is ill or hurting we hurt to, and this is another reason sometimes we don't tell. I'm this person, I'm so use to caring for myself that is just how I keep it. 

Ok another reason I think this is, here's a short story that helps both sides of the reasoning. When my mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer I was scared for her and she was a little afraid but did real well. The day we had to go and remove bandages after her mastectomy I was there and telling her that it will be ok. Well let me tell ya , as soon as I saw the scare, I didn't handle it well at all. I cried and I felt so bad for my mom, though she seemed very good. Weird huh. Then ten years later she got the sad news again, needed her other breast removed, I was worried, I thought oh no I need to be strong for her, and I was, I was good with it and I'm so glad I was because this time my mom needed me because she was having a hard time. She said , I won't be a women anymore. I told her, mom boobs don't make you a women. I continued to remind her how good everything looked and she realized that it was ok. It's really funny how the situation changed. We both needed support and learned together through it. 

This is why I was saying, sometimes ask for help or prayer. You may be actually helping someone more then yourself. I need to know I'm needed or thought enough about to pray for for you, it gives me confidence and also it keeps me accountable. I get that we don't want to worry our loved ones, but sometimes just to share a need will keep us both strong. I know with all the encouragement I've gotten for my mom has helped me, I didn't nessasary want to share because I didn't think others really cared or needed the hassle of another worry. I was wrong. 

You know with my mom having cancer I was scared for myself to. My dad had cancer and my mothers siblings including her mom had it. Out of nine siblings, two died with it and three have had some sort of cancer. I've had irregular mammograms the last few years and now have to go every six months, scary to me, but I know what ever happens I have support. Even if just tons of prayer. Through prayer yesterday, my day with my mom and the starting of moving turned out well. 

So I guess I want others to know, share with your loved ones, don't be afraid to worry them because we worry even more after the fact and even get mad because your important to us and you didn't tell us. I get waiting for tests, ask for prayer. Sometimes it's actually the sick ones that teach us strength and courage. My mom has a disability but still taught me I can move on no matter what. 

A testimony of sorts

I know Ive written about my mom and choices I've had to make but right now I'm going to give kind of a testimony to something good, a learning experience , I guess a life moment that I just thought about while laying in the hammock on the back porch crying yet again.

Most people when they talk of their childhood they smile and share family moments with a mom and dad and continue on in their lives remembering these wonderful days. Playing outside or just being a kid. I don't have many memories of this nature, yes I do have a few of things like, when the street light came on I had to be home, playing cards and music with my parents and other adults and even playing a sport, being on a team, I just never got the chance to finish or even get a picture with school. Anyway people will say how great their parents were and knew they were loved.

Here's my testimony of that. I knew my dad loved me in his own way and my mom did to but not like normal parents. I actually grew up hating my mom, not wanting to be around her and even wishing her dead. She was never a mom as people have memories about. So to have to take care of someone that you don't like, though down deep I figure I did, having to be at their beck and call most my life was never something I wished for. Then to have my mom get sick and hurt after my dad died, well it was all up to me for sure then. 

Ok back to the hammock, I couldn't understand why I was crying, why I hurt this bad to place my mom in assisted living, in a safe place. I should be happy right? No, because I found a few years ago that I love her, I forgave her and my heart took her in as my child. I've felt responsible for her for so long that I don't know how to let someone else do that, and again it's because God taught me forgiveness, understanding and a lot of patience to care for someone that I didn't want to care for. God knew I needed to love someone besides my kids of course with out conditions,  whether they loved me or not. I do feel she loves me, we may only hug every so often and she tells me she loves me more then she did before, which means a lot especially if she says it first. 

I have learned through trial that God will teach you more if you allow Him to, if you open your heart to the idea of loving someone no matter what. 

I've told my friends to remind me I'm doing the right thing, I sure need reminding. My head knows this is true but my heart tells me NOO, don't do it and I cry. I realize this will help my mom and me. Isn't it funny how God works, smh.. Letting go is hard with your kids and also my mom. Even right now I cry, I worry, about her. See God provided away for me to have strength in away I never thought possible. I like knowing, even if I'm irrated, that it  doesn't mean I don't love. So my testimony in short would be, stay focused on positive even though it seems impossible, because the impossible happens.

True story

The life of a daughter care giver, true story. I have taken care of a parent for as long as I can remember, and I never really had a choice most times. I felt obligated because these are my parents. Now that I care for my mom it has not only become something I have to do its something I need to do. Yeah I could have chosen a different way at one time but no matter how I felt toward my mom I could not be mean to her, I couldn't just let someone else take over her life. 

I'm in a different place now and so is my mom. I often call her my third child as she calls me Lucy, her dogs name. Hey they sound similar. For the past 8 years they have been the most grievous and the most fruitful. I have learned away to care for someone that I didn't ever feel cared for me. I make sure she has plenty of food, her house presentable, help her bathe, take her to shop or dr. Just anything you would do for a child. I have felt bad at times like I haven't done enough or she needs more then I'm giving. Almost three years ago I attempted to move her to a assisted living place, well that didn't work out. I could not make my mom, it was way to hard on my heart. Now I'm attempting it again, this time for her, she needs more then me, she needs a life beyond a chair and tv. She needs a nurse in case she falls again , she needs more then I can give her. I love my mom, I think this is why I'm having a hard time letting go. 

I'm a little selfish as far as, I'm tired and I'd like to do more with my family or go spend a day a petit jean and I can't because there's no one to watch my mom. Everyday she relies on my care and to be honest it's what I'm use to. I dont know how to not care for her. I'm very sad at the thought of her not being right here. I'm worried will they do things for her right, will they give good care to her, will she be happy and adventually ok?? I'm overwhelmed with this decision. 

If you are a care giver do not let someone that is not or hasn't experienced what you have tell you what to do, or what's right. I do believe we should care for our parents, but I also feel I have to care for my kids and my  husband to. They have been without me many times because I had to be with my mom. When you have to do things on your own, don't allow ignorant people to make you feel bad. 

My body and mind is not at it's best and my mom deserves great care. I need to be in a good spot so I can go see her and us enjoy each other before we can't . I have learned people will criticize what they don't understand. Think of doing everything for a child, sickness and health and all the inbetweens, and it's not easy. Then again when it's all you have known, you start to think, what will I do next?

This past week has been good. My mom has laughed and even helped me clean. She sat on her front porch, watched and talked to her dog. As I walked away I cried, God am I'm doing the right thing. Then it was like, you know when your riding a Ferris wheel and you get to the top then the declined down, well that's what I felt . Excitement and relief. 

Not everyone can be a caregiver even by choice, so choose your words carefully before condemning or hurting someone's feelings. I have almost stopped the paper work for fear of not doing the right thing, but you know what, this is good for me and my mom. Just gotta get past the tears. Send prayer my way and a peace for my mom and myself. 

Simple

There are so many blessings to be had if we would only pay attention to the smallest of things. Today I needed clarity on a few issues that I clearly couldn't  reason within myself. I couldn't even pray very well for the clutter attacking me with confusion. I didn't want to allow this to take over my day especially with so much to do. I said those words everyone seems to say in a time of trouble , Lord help me. Then a person popped in my head and she helped untangled a few webs. I'm seeing this as a blessing, just a simple little talk through. 

When I look out my kitchen window I see the birds eating at the feeder and I'm thankful that I can enjoy such a simple experience. Hearing my mom laugh at a tv show, while I'm outside or this wonderful drink called sweet tea in my favorite glass. Such simple blessings, they make me smile.

Sometimes there are things that happen, that we may do or be a part of and others may not approve, maybe they should get the story behind it, but these decisions we make can be a simple blessing. 

I have said to myself and others, don't let people take your blessing, don't allow it, but I did this today. It is something that really hurts me and of course from someone I care about. Why do I allow others to dictate how I feel? I'm allowing the old devil to work through someone else and steal my blessings. I do this a lot, how do I stop? I second guess myself with words from others. I want to focus on the good and let go of the bad, but the bad holds on and keeps digging in.

Our lives can't revolve around what someone renders right or wrong, that's Gods place. My life is between Him and I , and that is a true blessing. I do need help from others and I respect a opinion if I ask for it, but don't even contemplate that I don't understand my life decisions. Gods people are suppose to life up, not tear down and again especially when the person they are hurting is already in a  breaking mode. 

To me a blessing is not only in things or what we see, health or miracles, it's the idea of persuing the ability to lift, to hold someone's arms, to establish a clear way of making a life a little easier if its in your power. I don't understand many things people do, I may not ever,but the people I know , I try the best I can to see the best way for them, not me. It can be a complement, or just to say I'm orating for you. How many people will say, we'll if it was me"? Well it's not and don't make me feel like I have no heart or degrade me just because its not something you would do. I know I have said to my friends, I wouldn't but it's your life, and it is. I want to see the blessings from those I love, I need it. I need uplifted and reminded daily that my choices are right or just that you will pray. Simple blessings is what I'm looking for, the humor in my son, advice my daughter needs from her mom, a friend who just takes a moment to listen, my moms laughter, Anthony getting the boat ready, a shared adventure from my son to me, my pretty flowers outside, the smile I get when I see friends at the store, my phone call early mornings, a great sermon, good music and a friend to hug me because she cares and all the prayer from those who think of me. 

Today would be a extra blessing, homemade peanut butter frosting on yellow cake :) I want to focus on good as much as I can, truth be told it is hard for me but I believe there is hope and through that my peace will come my light will shine through and I will start to push the upsetting words said away. I don't need spectacular fireworks to see a blessing, like I said a lot of joy we miss because the simple truth is its in the simple everyday things. I wonder if those that have all the answers are living great lives? I'm not always happy, I allow things to interfere but it's days like today through my rough start I saw a blue sky and a simple place to start. 

Her ( poem)

Soft and gentle are her ways

A smile that can light up your days

There's a spark in her eyes that can ignite 

Completely and totally engulf your life

The touch of her hand is always sweet

Never let go its something to keep

Though lines may show when she smiles

Take it in they only appear for a while

Holds herself not highly above

Seems simple and small but filled with love

A compliment is taken with a grain of salt

But she hides it in her mind like a volt

Courteous and respectable she leans towards

Will laugh at a joke, play then move forward

She is centered around family and God

No pretending not a fake not a fraud

Mistakes of many and still learning by day

Grieving of the loss of herself in away

Sometimes hands of cold and warmth of heart

She believes things happen for reasons from the start

Her presence is not always a noticeable state

Like a status or picture that comes out not so great

Her mind is  a sheltered place

But her heart is open and filled with grace

A friend a safe place to explore

What goes in at times is not to be found anymore

Her place in this world has been to care and care some more

What about what's down deep who knows her core

Believing and having hope is what she knows

Her shoulders can carry beyond their limit and more

Look in her eyes there's strength there that can soar

She loves with all her being every inch of herself

Gives forgiveness , shelters and shows patience even when there's none left

Being her is not the best thing to endure

Dislikes many things especially mirrors

Time hasn't been awful but on the inside

She dreams of security and clarity in her mind

She's drawn to so many things and people with a connection

Memories and music leaves her reflecting

Fate will be the one to close the doors

All else she can and will ignore

Simple but not in so many ways

She really is worth it and going to be ok

Tired

As soon as I woke up this morning my brain immediately hits 5th gear. Gotta fix some food for after church, clothes to wash, a dog to get outside, decisions to make and, don't forget Lisa you want to be healthy and look ok so don't forget to go run then stop by granny's make sure she's ok and has all she needs. Every morning this is my brain. 

This morning however I'm having a difficult time with this agenda, I'm tired, I'm not suppose to be tired, I have to much to do, to much to decide on and to try and figure which idea actually belongs to me. I think the only prayer that I have payed attention to this morning was, Lord help me. 

I feel like I smiled lot and I seem happy, but this morning so many reminders of why I'm not. I'm tired. There is so much to do, to get done and usually I'm good under pressure, not lately . I will say I have done all I set my mind to do this morning except run. I'm taking the day off, I'm sure my body thanks me :)

It seems I always have  something to deal with but it always works out. God has given me so much and has taught me a lot and I sure as anything don't understand why I can't be stronger willed and let myself be happier spite everyone else. I know the strength is in me because I have overcome so much, I know I shouldn't allow others thinking to dictate how I feel, see I know these things but yet I continue in my less then positive attitude. 

Don't get me wrong I love so many people and that makes me smile, God knew who to give a big heart to, but sometimes I let it guide me when I should listen to my brain. See there it goes again, trying to interfere in my thinking:) everyone has moments of down time, I need more clarity and positivity going in and coming out. Every time I here anything negative it affects me harshly. I'm trying to help the outside look ok while my inside is thinking, what about me? Geez always trying to please.

I know I should be most concerned about what God thinks about me and I am, I'm sure I've disappointed Him numerous times, with just who I am, but at least He loves me. 

My brain has caught the bug, the lets dig a hole and hide for a while then pop back up and see what's happening. It's not a pity party anymore it's the, being tired party. 

I do it to myself as always, I FEEL the need to help or fix everything, and I can't . I do wish someone could fix me though and take over my brain for a few days because I need a day off with it, as my body does. 

I'm glad God knows my true heart and He will help me, but I have to let go and this is extremely hard for me. How do you let go when that's all you know is to hold on, keep moving and just do it. Maybe being tired is ok as long as I don't stay tired. Like in sick and tired..... 

Gods mercy is new every morning, I'm thankful for this..

Have you hugged someone today?:)

You know how we always here, be encouraging, lift others up and be positive. Most of the time I try to have encouraging words and attempt to help people feel better. Again today though I was thinking selfishly, what actually lifts me up? Maybe this would help someone else. While talking with a friend we kind of touched on a touchy subject. How to help others be happier. Well to answer these questions my only answer can come from my personal experiences. First off we can't make someone else be happy but we can sure help. 

Being kind and actually paying attention to what I say is important to me, those who know me know I hate fake. Don't pretend with me. Another thing, I love hugs, people should hug more, it makes me feel good, oh and not the side one where, I'm hugging you but not really, those don't count. I will use my mother in laws words, I want to feel skin :) also a compliment, all of us like knowing we are doing a good job, or just that we are thought about even to know we look good. How can there be any thing wrong with making someone smile? I mean really. I like when people remember when I say something that touched them, it helps me know I'm doing ok sometimes. 

I like to joke with people because I want them to smile, I want to compliment you because you deserve to be noticed. I do know we don't do things to be noticed but there are those of us who at times feel invisible or that what we have to say doesn't matter. 

This is why I love my blog, it doesn't matter if anyone reads it or not, I'm getting it out of my head and I feel better. If someone reads it, yes I'm excited especially if it made them smile or think. I am not the smartest I only know my own life experience and that's all I can talk about, so I want others to not be afraid to share themselves with others. Tell them something good that they have done for you, or how they have lifted you up, even how pretty they are, because Im here to tell ya, I hate the mirror, so at my age if I get a compliment, I'm taking it and will smile for days. 

We never know how much a good word can change a persons day. Just a look and a smile lets you know you are cared about. Give someone's hand a squeeze, pat them on the back or shake their hand. Touchy feely is not always a bad thing. I show how I feel with my whole being, I tried to stop it years ago and that wasn't me. I like people and sometimes you just gotta hug them up. A wonderful lady from church, Lida, gives the best hugs. Once you leave her you know you were hugged. I want that :) it shows you care and are loved. Try not seeing with your eyes try seeing with your heart.

Thank you to my friend Rosaland, who never fails to remind me that I've done a good job, even gives me a compliment or just listens, this is a help to me. We can help in so many ways. Think about what helps you be happy and share it. 

Listening shows the other person matters

Caring its just right

Hugging just because

Smiling because you can

Sharing a story, some food

Taking time for just a quick call even a text

Oh and put the phone down long enough to see the person who wants your attention

Praying is always good

Just take a moment

You just might make someone's day:)

Are you a door mat?

On my morning run/walk I couldn't even concentrate on the music playing because my mind had its own agenda. Being irritated, discouraged or mad usually I hold it in because it usually does me no good to voice how I feel. This morning I was thinking about what God said, I can be angry just don't sin, but I'm wondering if holding it in all the time could be sin. Why? Well I'm hurting myself, I'm allowing others to dominate my life by not showing or saying how I really feel. My reasons for not saying anything is I don't want to hurt anyone or especially make them mad where I get the anger back at me. This is not good. Why are we sick sometimes, discouraged or feel unworthy? Are we really protecting anyone or ourselfs by holding everything in? I asked myself these questions this morning and this was my answer to myself.

I am worthy of being heard, I'm worthy of respect even if I feel the need to be loud or mad. My opinion matters the same as anyone else's, whether its heard or used or not. I'm somebody I'm not a door mat and that's how I've felt for years. I don't have to be all to everyone, I don't have to sit quietly while feeling like I don't matter or your words don't hurt. God gave me the same voice as you and I should be able to use it. I'm not wanting to hurt someone on purpose with my opinion and I won't but what I have to say counts. People can get mad and get over it. I'm so tired of negativity that I'm becoming it, it's true what your around you become. I don't like when others will say, just because their attitude is bad don't let it affect yours, yeah right. 

In my life I need confirmation, I need encouragement, I need positive thoughts because at times I feel I'm drowning with dealing with everybody else's stuff. I can't fix people I can help. I can't get you everything you want but I can work hard to try and help you. I will always do my best for you, I will think of you first and all I ask in return is the same respect I show to you. I know I've allowed so much junk in my life for fear of who knows what and I'm tired of it. I saw a saying/ quote that sort of said, I smile so you will never know my pain, those who choose to really know me, will know the difference. Today ask yourself,  are you being a door mat? What am I'm allowing in my life that I can take control over? Remember we can be mad just not stay mad. Encourage others to be themselves, this is why they are your friend, your spouse, your gf/bf, love them enough to realize the more negative and abusive others are that it brings us down makes us feel, we'll imagine a load of bricks tied to your feet and your barely holding on to the bank. It's a awful feeling. 

Yes I know God and I will say if not for Him it would be much harder. Let things out not to hurt others but to help yourself, don't be mean just because you can and though you think your right, you might not be. Don't be louder then those you say you love, really look at them and see how it hurts. Just because there are people around doesn't mean you still won't be lonely. A simple jester goes a long way and gives you a real smile.

Imagination

I find myself rubbing my hands together when I'm thinking. My imagination will take me to so many places, good and bad. I think sometimes our thoughts and imagination is either a place we want to be or a place we hope to never get to. I tend to allow things to take over my mind and it makes me sad. I wish to concentrate on what's good and I try at my best but there are things and people that interfere and even without them even knowing. I think we all wish for enough money to do whatever we want or attention that inspires us and makes us feel good. I tend to soak it up just because I used to feel bad if I got even the smallest compliment. Not anymore, I'm worth it to be noticed because I am a person who desires some of what life offers. I used to think, we'll still do, that I have to be careful with everything and everyone for fear of what people think. You know what people will think things no matter what you do. I'm tired of being scared of being a part of others and getting involved. It's the imagination that throws me off sometime . I have been so use to trying to be good and up right that I forgot why? My heart hurts for people who cannot be themselves, I know the feeling of stifling who you are to please others, it just makes you feel like who you are is bad even not worthy. 

I guess I'm talking about this because I want others to not let who you are be taken away or pushed down just to please someone else. God knows who you are meant to be and He is who you need to worry about. Be funny, care for people and don't be afraid to show it. Not everything is offensive or bad, it's in how you see it. If you know me I've always enjoyed people and laughing with them. I love to see people happy and even laughing with me. I notice others and their needs and it's not a bad thing to care. Use your imagination to take you to places that give joy and a plan to prosper your talents God gave you. Sometimes a talent is just being nice to someone, even if it doesn't seem the best idea to others. Don't let someone else's imagination ruin yours.  It's not so bad to make someone smile and give a sparkle to their eyes. 

The lake ( a simple poem)

I love the feeling of my feet dangling in the water and the sun on my skin

The waves splashing against the boat with a touch of warm wind

The sky so blue with ribbons of white streaming across in flurries

A great place to think and be thankful with no worries

The smell of the water and coconut lotion

Kind of romantic with all the motion

The heat from the sun giving me my tan 

Music playing on the radio and to close to land

It's like a freedom of riding across the lake

No hurry to be anywhere for goodness sake

A pretty site of sail boats across the way

Just nothing but smiles on this leisurely day

I feel so good on a day in the boat

Even a simple sandwich in my tote

The sparkles of rays across the water so bright

I could live here everyday morning till night

Sometimes the simplest of things give me the most happiness

A caring smile a nice massage and a little bliss

Ice tea in my cooler, sun glasses and my lip balm

Floating in a tube and feeling so calm

Take me to the lake is all that I ask

Give me a compliment and my smile will last

Love love the lake and all that it offers

A great little vacation not much can top it

Well maybe the ocean....

Gracefully growing old ( Not)

While sitting with my family over the holiday weekend we started to talk some about how old we were getting and all the stuff people do to stay younger. I said, if it was free I'd have me some Botox all the time. I'm not one for growing old gracefully. I'm gonna color my hair and exercise some, just so I can feel a little better. 

When I think about it, I have Arthur and Bur in my life with a little touch of fiber myalgia, hands hurt, back feet just pick a joint and yep there to. So brings me to, nope I'm gonna do what I can to feel some better, and if I feel like I look ok, I sometimes feel better. 

Folks have said, as you get older you tend to be more relaxed and stable..Hmmm, relaxed some more stable only in my thoughts. I've gotten more patient because of being a care giver but I'm not nessasary close to where I need to be at my age on certain issues. First lets go with what I know to be positive with age. I know more of what Gods word means, I understand scripture more and really take it to heart. I've learned what real love is from God and my kids. I know where I'd like my life to be and I'm not there yet. I'm not easily angered over things that I know can be fixed. Like in my twenties, I was stupid. I think your twenties is a learning time to figure out who you are. I have learned that I don't need people's approval and really I don't want a lot of people in my life that doesn't truly care for my well being. I have learned there are few people you can trust but most times if you have a secret, keep it that way.

I don't like when others think time spent on yourself is silly, well it's not. As I get older I need time for myself and I need things done to keep me going. I don't want my grays showing, though they have a mind of their own. I want a little tan, because it makes me feel better. When I hear kids say, I can't wait to get older, I want to shake them and say, take your time it goes by way to fast, then you are older. Now some not so wonderfulness.  I've had others say, oh at a certain point, you will love it, especially your fourties. Um, still waiting for the fun time to start . My hormones have a whole life they live and I just go with it, I have no choice. I will say I guess getting older is not real bad, just bad :) the time of my life hasn't started yet either. I think I was tricked and my body is laughing so hard and this is why I'm on this side of crazy. 

I wear glasses so I can read oh but lately, I just wear them all the time because there's always something to read or see. My brain doesn't get along with my mouth, they never can communicate right. Words are forgotten or even reasons why I walk in a room. It is crazy! 

Ok I do believe I'm smarter from things I've learned by making numerous mistakes. I understand more because God helps me see a different side instead of just my own. I'm trying to talk myself in to realizing, it's ok, I'm ok and the voices in my head are just loony toons. The voice in my head is me talking to myself so young people, look forward to having conversations with yourself. Learn to listen well because you will even give yourself advice. 

Did I mention meds? Ok well there are some special things to getting older. Shake Shake:) pill bottle..

Not all is wonderful but there are a few that will make your day and everyone else's. Sitting here writing my mind is jumping from here to there of things to say. Like when I was younger stupid things were so funny, now I will just look at you like your stupid. It's funny how with age comes some wisdom but I sure need a lot more. I get on my own nerves and sometimes I just need to sit back and relax. We all at some point have a favorite year, mine was 39. Now I'm waiting for another year like that one, maybe it will be when I turn 50. Not far away. I can't believe how time seems to just go by without us paying much attention and we just stay without much change. Well I'm ready to change some things in my thinking but gracefully growing old, not a chance :)